Brave Enough To Be Bliss

He respects me professionally, I have helped him grow, he provides feedback that has helped me manage employees better as my background is really managing leaders, not staff. Personally, he knows I can be a mess and insecure and think too much, but he does n’t hold that against me. He reminds me of positive things about myself when I’m down. When my world was falling apart with Kylee last fall, I sent him a desperate text and he immediately asked if he could come over to my house and he was here in five minutes and talked to me for about three hours standing in my kitchen. He asked questions and talked to me until I realized that I needed to take control of the situation and that’s when things started to change and go in the right direction for getting Ky lee back home and to the help she needed. He reminded me I was her mom, I was paying for everything, and I could take charge. Without that conversation, I don’t know where we would all be right now. He called me when he had a bike accident, and I took him to the emergency department and waited until he was out to take him to get prescriptions when he had told me not to wait and he would take an Uber. He was very upset because his arm is what he uses to work, so I saw him at his worst, but he held it together and the next day told some people that I picked him up, so I know he appreciated it and liked that I had waited for him even though he was adamant that he didn’t want me to. I support him at work, but I would anyone in his position. We have worked together very well professionally and obviously developed a personal relationship as well. About three weeks ago, he asked me to go to happy hour, just the two of us, but then drank too much at lunch with his uncle and had to back out of taking me out because he was sobering up. He told me about it, so didn’t stand me up or anything. I wasn’t up set at all and really wasn’t surprised actually. Shortly after, I used some words in an email to him that made him feel that I wanted things to be more serious than he would consider because of the work connection again…I told him that’s not what I mea nt but then I said if that was the case better to know now before I got any more attached and basically decided that was it and w e’d just be completely friends. I said some other things creating distance between us, he reached out to me several times and I pushed him away…and then when he decided ok that was it and did some self -reflection of his own, he pulled away and has barely been interacting with me. We work together fine, but he emails and texts and hasn’t been in my office at all. He barely makes eye co ntact…I asked him about it and he said it had nothing to do with me. It was very hard for me to believe that. I tried to let it go, but I have felt like I lost my best friend, so I’ve reached out a couple times after having a couple drinks and then regrett ed it. Our mutual friend said that I needed to move on, and he couldn’t give me what I wanted/needed, so not to spend any more time/ener gy on him. She had previously been encouraging and supportive of the relationship. He worries because I have difficulty verbalizing sometimes, although less with him than anyone else. Late Wednesday night I asked if things would ever be good between us again and he didn’t really answer specifically, we exchanged another email and then he just said, “I don’t know how many times or ways I have to say it’s not about you. I’m begging you to please let me figure out what’s going on in all facets of my life. This is not about you. My fuel tank is low and energy is focused elsewhere. Others in my personal life have my full attention right now. I’m sorry and don’t know what else to say other than it’s not about you. Plea se accept this at this time. You are a  . Don’t ever forget that! ” I am trying to accept that and hope that we will be able to be friends and maybe the attraction will dissipate and then we won’t have to worry about any of this. No actually that’s what I want to feel , but I really want things the way they used to be. Things were much better on Thursday after this text exchange, felt the most normal that they had in several weeks. I messed things up and I sort of played some games trying to act like I didn’t care, and I was goi ng to have boundari es, but that was based a lot on our friend’s input vs. how I felt inside. Anyway, he’s not the easiest person and I know he has some issues like we all do, but if I am being totally honest, I do love him and miss him and wish things were the way they were before even if we didn’t date. He was my person and I think I was his. An d I feel like I ruined it, and he wouldn’t have loved me anyway. His words and his actions aren’t congruent sometimes and I think it’s because he’s scared, but then I could be totally wrong and maybe he’s just using me. But he’s not using me physically and has always been very sensitive to that, so I think I make things up and it’s just all very confusing. But he would never be easy for me, so maybe it is codependent, and I sure don’t need that. Or maybe he is incapable of loving me the way I want so I’m jus t loving him because I know I can’t ever have him. So, he’s safe. And I go round and round and drive myself crazy…and mess things up with him. But maybe it’s for the best? Update: Today, 9/25, was the best day we have had. He brought donuts in yesterday and that’s always a sign he is feeling good. Food is very important to him, so we have always expressed caring through bringing in little favorites for each other. I cut up fresh fruit and that’s been a thing over the past few years…he loves to eat it and I like sharing with him, and I’d be doing it for myself anyway. I told him a few years ago that he didn’t really do anything for me, and he start ed making an effort in small ways which I appreciate. He worked through some things from his past and finally felt a release and forgave himself for some mistakes. It’s been so good to watch him reach out and mend relationships and apologize and forgive himself. I have learned a lot through our relationship as friends, and maybe that’s a sign that’s all it should be. For today, I’m just glad that it seems he’s coming back around some and we’re communicating more. He is very fun, brings out my fun side and I don’t feel I have to be perfect with him. I can just be GB as he refers to me. We have looked forward to going to work because of each other, so work has been even less rewarding the past few weeks without him. Anyway, confusing relationship…I’m trying to just accept it is what it is and leave it at that. I started feeling really bad about myself the day I got my hair cut before Starlight. It was terribly difficult to keep the negative thoughts from my mind while I was driving home. I felt like a fat, disgusting pig of a person trying to find something to wear to Starlight. I tried on multiple outfits which I never, ever do and left them on the floor which I never, ever do. Then at dinner, I felt like I had to order a drink and did even though I didn’t want one because I was afraid it would make me even more tired. Then I felt like I had to order at least a side salad even though I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want one. Then I was hungry when I got home and h ad a small bowl of cereal but wanted to eat the whole box. Literally. Still do, but I’m not allowing it. B ut I really want to.

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