Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Brave Enough To Be Bliss Powerfully raw stories of fear and control

in relationships, showing how loving self-reflection can lead to real living

Ginger Lee Bliss

Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Powerfully raw stories of fear and control in relationships, showing how loving self-reflection can lead to real living

Ginger Lee Bliss

Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Names and details in some stories have been omitted and/or changed to protect the identities of the people involved. The information in this book is not intended as a substitute for guidance provided by a mental health professional, physician and/or spiritual advisor.

Photographs courtesy of the author’s personal archives. Cover design: Jessica Jurczak and Rosie Holderby Back cover photo credit: Shannon Wyatt (author’s niece, age 3) (I love all my nieces and nephew — Shelbi, Shaylee, Shannon, and Sheldon)

Printed in the United States of America Neal/Settle Printing, Inc. Grandview, MO

(My sincere thanks, Steve Stark and Rex Neal, for 20+ years of the best printing quality and service possible, but even more for your friendship.)

Copyright ©2024 by Ginger Lee Bliss/GB Real All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Dedication

To my precious daughter, Kylee Bliss Bolen , without whom I may not have found the courage to be brave. I am eternally grateful for the gift and blessing you have been in my life. There are not sufficient words to truly convey what a joy it is to have you as my daughter, my inspiration, my champagne date, my travel companion, my supporter, my defender, my proofreader, my encourager, my medical show buddy, and my friend. I love you to infinity and beyond. xoxo To my self-compassion coach Ginger Rothhaas, who helped guide me to Ginger Bliss, someone I had never let anyone know, including myself. It’s as though you recognized my soul before you even met me. I believe God brought us together for his purposes, which we are still uncovering. Thank you for accepting me right where I was in my self-hatred and then gently teaching me self-compassion. There is no way to truly express the depth of my gratitude. I am so in awe of the amazing human you are. I love you and can ’ t wait to see what comes next! To Kathy Bliss and Sherri Miller , we may not legally be related anymore, but the impact you have had on my life is indescribable. You supported Kylee and I through very dark times with your unwavering encouragement, acceptance, love, care, and support. Thank you for mothering me so beautifully and teaching me how to receive that level of loving care. I am grateful for you, admire you, and love you beyond words. To Matt and Andrea Bliss , thank you for loving Kylee like you do and for your unwavering support of her. I will forever be grateful to you for dropping everything and coming to Kansas City as needed when she was hurting. For me, two of the most meaningful memories we all created together as parents are the Thanksgiving dinner we shared and celebrating at her wedding. The understanding and support you gave me during those moments were more meaningful than I can possibly express. To Llara Baska, DeAnn Campbell, Patricia Clarkson, Angie Curtis, Abby Eisenmann, Mindy Moore, Kris Moss, Tami Nichols, Michele Post, Janet Richardson-Barce, Lynda Shepherd, Angie Sinclair, Annette Small, Linda Smith, Laura Stombaugh, Lisa Ward, and Sheena Wyatt, who each came into my life at different points to love and support me through many difficult times. You taught me various lessons about love, family, friendship, laughter, loyalty, faith, freedom, me, and a host of other things. I feel blessed to have shared parts of my journey with you and truly cannot thank you enough for all you did for me and have been to me. To a most precious soul, Vrenda Pritchard , who saw my pain and hopelessness and cared enough to make sure I was safe. It's impossible to adequately thank someone who literally saves your life. I am hoping, however, that by sharing the crucial role you played in my story; others will be inspired to pay attention and find the courage to act like you did. While unfortunately my brain hasn’t recovered memories from the time frame when you were such a critical part of my life, I look forward to making new memori es now that we’ve reconnected. To Will Bolen, Wayne Miller, Clay Post, Shawn Wyatt, extended family and dear friends who are my chosen family, while I am blessed with more of you than I can mention by name, you know who you are and please don’t for a second doubt that I am talking to you with this dedication. I thank each of you for your kindness, love, support, and encouragement, and for giving me the honor of knowing you and a piece of your story. I love each and every one of you and feel blessed our lives are intertwined. To my bosses, colleagues, and employees , thank you for allowing me to walk with you professionally and also share parts of our lives together as friends. We worked together to help our organizations and the people we served, and it was one of the greatest joys of my life to learn from you and also help you grow. All along the way, you helped me become a better leader and person. Thank you for the lessons and the love. To John , this book became a love letter to you for all you were and always will be to me, and all you could yet become for yourself. I know in my heart and soul the best is yet to come for each of us. You ’ re a lot of great things and I love you.

None of us got here alone. We’ve been touched and held by so many. We’ve been medicated by the love of others. Directly or indirectly.… | Instagram

“If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” Fred Rogers

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Section I Chapter 1

Life…Is…Hard. Not Fair, Just Life

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Section II Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Section III Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Section IV Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13

Being Ginger Lee Fear & Control Meeting Ginger A Reason to Live Behind the Mask

6 7

11 17 23 26 29 31 38 43 46 49 57 62 68 73 79 81 86 95 98

All Work and No Play Just…Just Not Smart A Sweet Connection Perfectly Petrified Motherhood & Madness

Three’s Company Better Together

Keeping the Peace & Creating Unrest

Learning Leadership

Hard-Knock Life No More Excuses

The Biggest Investment Freedom to Remember

Meeting John

Throwing Caution to the Wind

The Deepest Pain

Only Human

The Lies We Tell Ourselves Leaning into Discomfort

102 114 118 125 129 133 135 143 145 149 153 157 162 175 181 187 195 203 207 214 217

Food = Life

Sweetest Surrender

I’ll Always Have Your Back

Messy in the Middle

Another Solo Adventure

Coming Undone The Power of Hugs

Living Bravely

New Loves, New Life Good Cop, Bad Cop

Blissfully Bolen

Living & Loving in Loneliness Unexpected Trauma Response

My Beautiful Crazy

Reflections & Epiphanies

Not My Healthcare Crisis, But One Exists

Hurting or Healing Words Dreaming & Learning Self-Compassion Anger Management The Unspoken Things

Section V Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Section VI Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

Living Real

Birthday Week

229 238 243 251 258 267 271 273 280 287 297 305 321 324 332 338 350 355 360 364 372 376 381 384 397 403 414 419 426 431 435 442 446 448

A Literal Awakening

Letting Go, Reaching Out Love Always Protects

Receiving Care & Feeling Loved Believing in My Leadership A Reunion and Revelations

Launching Ginger Bliss

Feeling Grief

Beginning to Communicate

A Soul Connection A Human Problem

Living Bliss Home Is Here

Blessing God, Being Blessed, Blessing Others

Fabulous Friend & Family

Unknown Beauty

Conflicting with Conflict

Lest We Forget Unbearable Grief

The Shack

The Power of Apologies Feeling the Goodness

Perfectly Loved Suffering Alone

The End Is…There Is No Ending

Making Plans

Messy Sex

Reflections & Decisions Surrender & Control

Love & Light

The Greatest of These Is Love

What Made You Do It?

A GB Real Ending

Start of the Next Incredibly Beautiful Thing

Afterword

A Conversation with Ginger Rothhaas & Ginger Bliss

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Acknowledgements

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Section I Life… I s… Hard.

“Trauma explains behavi or. It does not excuse behavior.” Dr. Will Co le

Chapter 1 — Not Fair, Just Life

“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Life…is…hard.

What if that could be the premise on which we lived our lives?

What if we were honest that there will be times that are so happy we feel like our hearts could explode, and there will also be times that are so bad we literally feel like we cannot possibly survive the pain?

What if we all not only accepted, but embraced, that that’s the way life is and there isn’t anything wrong with that?

What if we lived in the present moment and experienced the joy, the mundane, and yes even the pain , as it came? One present moment at a time.

And what if when the pain came, we didn’t try to dull it by doing things that hurt us even further, and instead we simply put that much time and energy into helping ourselves and each other through the pain by extending the understanding, care and physical presence that all humans long for?

What if we took a step back from interacting with each other and made connecting with each other our life’s purpose?

What are we afraid of?

I don’t know what your answer is, but mine was… everything .

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison

Several years ago, when a friend asked about this book’s audience, I was taken aback for a moment. I had to admit, as hard as that was, I hadn’t clearly articulated it. I was embarrassed, and then panic -stricken. Had I really said publicly I was writing a book without even identifying the audience? How dumb of me. I knew every piece of writing needs an audience. Previously that one question would have been enough to make me hang my head in shame and give up on the whole idea. That is not an exaggeration. I would have spent the rest of my life-not that moment or the next hour or that day-but the rest of my life beating myself up in my mind, saying I could have been a writer. I could have been brave. I might have even touched a few lives. I might have changed my own. But damn it, I didn’t identify the audience. I would have gone on to tell myself that it’s really a g ood thing my friend saved me by asking that question, because undoubtedly the book would have been a failure anyway. Really, she had saved me from embarrassment, public ridicule, the investment of time and effort. I would have said things like, you were stupid for even thinking you could write a book, who would want to read a book written by someone like you? What do you know? Nothing. You know nothing worth sharing and only people who have life all figured out write books. Only people who are experts at book writing write books. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What were you thinking even entertaining the idea? What an idiot you are. That was just some dream and people like you don’t deserve dreams, and even if you have them, they sure as hell would never come true. Then I would have thrown in a few more insults for good measure until I had sufficiently punished myself for being…human. Fortunately, by the time my friend asked that question I had learned enough about self-compassion that after the one “how dumb of me” comment, I simply told myself, “That’s OK , identify the audience now.” And here’s the exact content of the text answer I sent to my friend the next day.

The audience is every adult in the United States…to start with. That’s what it would take to make a societal, cultural change. For people to stop being scared to connect with their hearts and souls because it is there that kindness, love and compassion live. And if we were all tapped into those qualities instead of the crap life does to us where we live in constant fear desperately trying to control everything, we would be a lot nicer human beings and the world would be a much nicer place in which to live. You know, nothing big, I just want world peace sort of shit.

And after that text, I quickly wrote the draft of the next chapter with a clear vision of what I feel destined to share with the world.

“If there is a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” Toni Morrison

I have attempted to share everything about me in this book so you can feel you know me. So, you can connect with my heart. So, you’ll trust me enough to keep reading even when it may get uncomfortable. I’m making every effort to touch your heart because that’s how I live my life. I may not know you personally, but I care for you because I care for humanity. I want you to see me as a friend, someone who cares about you and someone who challenges you to think because I want the best for you and your relationships. If this connection is made there’s a much better chance you will understand my words and see how even if you disagree with things I've done or things I write, you can practice having compassion for me because we have established a relationship of sorts. Then you can take that compassionate experience and apply it to yourself and others. I will share how I let fear affect virtually every thought I had and every decision I made, but the only way I can do that is by being terrifyingly vulnerable and telling you all about me. I will let you into my mind, my mistakes, my fears, and my regrets. I will let you know the real me, the very imperfect me, the ugliest and most fearful parts of me. My life story isn’t pretty. It includes behavior, language and actions I may not be proud of, but I’m also not ashamed of anymore. It doesn’t make it right; it just makes it real. And I no longer look at myself with judgment, but rather with compassion. Why am I willing to take the biggest risk of my life and be so vulnerable? Because I want to share the things I wish I’d known, before I learned them the hard way . If I can help even one person by telling my story, it’s worth it. That’s how much I care about every human being. It is my sincere hope that something will resonate with you, inspiring you to improve your level of self awareness and self-reflection, increase your compassion for yourself and others, and through that help create a more loving and less judgmental society. If we all put more effort into being the most compassionate human beings we can be, we would automatically be better spouses, friends, parents, siblings, and colleagues than we would have been otherwise. And if we were better humans, our children would grow up happier and healthier, and then we would be one step closer to having more peaceful neighborhoods, cities, states, countries and eventually a world where people matter more than power. “The idea is to write it so that people hear it, and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.” Maya Angelou

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power , the world will know peace.” Jimi Hendrix

I believe in God, but the spiritual references in my story aren’t there to convince anyone to believe what I believe. As you read the word God, it might be helpful to notice if you find yourself having a physical reaction to the word. If so, it’s likely you’ve had a negative experience with a person or organization related to religion vs. a personal experience of spirituality. I’ll share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, as well as the many

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questions I’ve had about a Higher Power, which I refer to as God, simply to let others know they are not alone if they have also struggled to make sense of this hard life we live.

“We all have the same God we just serve him differently. Rivers, lakes, ponds, streams, oceans all have different names, but they all contain water. So do religions have different names, and they all contain truth, expressed in different ways, forms and ti mes. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Muslim, a Christian, or a Jew. When you believe in God, you should believe that all people are part of one family. If you love God, you can’t love only some of his children.” Muhammad Ali Human beings search for meaning, have a natural spiritual yearning, but what speaks to me spiritually doesn’t have to be the same as what speaks to you. However, my search for answers may help you feel less alone on your journey — even though we may see things from different perspectives or hold different beliefs. I will share my thoughts about possible reasons why people become so adamant and even sometimes enraged when others have different beliefs. If you find yourself getting upset as you read about anything I say spiritually, that will be your indication to look within at what is really upsetting you . Because I’ve clearly stated, I don’t want or need to convince you of anything. Your spiritual journey is yours to take, I ’ m just sharing mine as an example of one person’s struggle to find connection with a Higher Power. There were some resources I related to more directly than others. But even for those whose perspectives were different than mine, I learned to find something that would challenge me to dig a little deeper and learn something new about myself or those around me. When I was willing to open my mind, and truly be honest with myself and others, I was able to learn something from everyone and everything. There will be places in the book where I may be vague about something, because being more specific would tell someone else’s story , which I have no right to do. I will also refer to my relationships with various people throughout the book, and it’s very important to understand these are my perspectives and recollections, not necessarily facts. I will either use pseudonyms or the individual has given me permission to use his/her real name. My intention is never to place blame or hurt anyone else, it is only to share my life experiences as examples so that others may be encouraged to find healing in theirs. For instance, when I say I “felt” unloved, it doesn’t mean there weren’t people who loved me, I simply didn’t “feel” loved. The references to how I felt or what I thought I heard is my perception/recollection, not necessarily the actual words or what was i ntended from the other person’s perspective. We interpret everything through our own personal lens (experiences, background, thoughts, feelings, etc.) and when we aren’t aware of what’s driving our own behavior, relationships can get complicated. There will also be times when I share pieces of my writing or memories from the past that may differ in some way from an account that I share earlier or later in the book. I did not change the accounts to match because these are excellent examples of how my brain worked and how those memories or lack thereof affected my relationships. I assure you I would have been adamant at each point that it was an accurate account of a situat ion, but that’s why lovingly questioning ourselves and each other is so importa nt. Sometimes, a simple question can prompt us to uncover a piece of information that can literally change our lives. I thought everyone’s brains worked pretty much the same until I learned at 50, they definitely do not. I thought many things were common sense, a given, known. I thought I was pretty much an open book, and everyone should know how their words, actions or behavior would affect me. I honestly thought how I felt is how anyone would feel. I thought when you love someone, you would never hurt them and if you did, then the love wasn’t real. See what I mean? My reality was quite skewed, and especially since I never talked about this with anyone, I just assumed everyone knew how I was thinking and feeling. And I thought I could know their thoughts, feelings, and intentions too. Now it seems so silly that I really believed those things, but I honestly did. It’s not "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." Brené Brown

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like I thought about these things that literally, I was just living from that assumption. That’s the baseline my brain operated from.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Brené Brown This book is your invitation to own your story, to bring it into the light, to share it with someone you trust and dig in to learn how it has affected your beliefs, relationships, parenting, level of self-compassion and the level of compassion you are able to show others. The ideas I share are not necessarily right or wrong, they are just mine. Many do not come from my brain, but rather emanate from my heart and soul, reflecting the experiences of my first 55 years on this earth. I made plenty of mistakes living in darkness and fear for most of those years, but more recently I’ve made confident strides toward living in the light. So much research has been done, so many experts exist. There are books, audiobooks, articles, podcasts, blogs, research studies, music, meditation, sermons, social media and so much more. I sought out all these resources and it was the work I did outside of my appointments with my self-compassion coach that helped the time I spent with her to be so much more productive. Like most things, the more we invest in something, the more we will get out of it. I realize there are people who cannot afford mental health services, are too scared to start right now, or for a host of other reasons have not yet been able to help themselves. So, for those people brave enough to read this book, I want to provide resources that may just touch their hearts enough to start learning on their own. Then one day, perhaps that will lead them to share their story with a trusted friend or seek the assistance of a professional. With every resource, quote or song I share, you can know it was one that has helped me continue on my own journey. So often, just the right quote, article, song or podcast would appear when I needed to be educated about something or simply be reminded, I was not alone. “You can rise up from anything. You can completely recreate yourself. Nothing is permanent. You’re not stuck. You have choices. You can think new thoughts. You can learn something new. You can create new habits. All that matters is that you decide today an d never look back.” Idil Ahmed But even with these endlessly available resources, until I was willing to confront my past, take responsibility for my present and learn all I could about myself, these resources and the tools they taught didn’t make the desired lasting impact. It’s a natu ral tendency for humans to avoid pain, want quick fixes and blame others for their problems, but I found the most genuine and enduring solution was and always had been within me. I really, really didn’t like that part. There were too many things within me that were hard and painful, and that I had been avoiding my whole life. As much as I wanted to disbelieve the experts when it was something I feared, didn’t want to face, or thought I was some sort of exception to, there truly was nothing and no one outside of myself who could ever make me feel fully loved, whole and purposeful enough if I did not feel that way about myself. And the time I spent fruitlessly searching for an external source to give me the answer was generally wasted time, and often led to even more pain. Searching anywhere but within did not ultimately bring me what I was seeking. It sucked, as you will learn in the following pages, and I fought it for years. Knowingly and unknowingly, life and people did terrible things to me, and it was up to me to reverse the damage. It’s not fair, it’s just life. And I’m being honest here, and life…is…hard. But my friends, I’ve learned that even the most imperfect life can also be oh…so…good. “I didn’t have the time, but I made the time. I didn’t have the knowledge, but I was relentless. I didn’t have the resources, but I was resourceful. I didn’t have the support, but I learned to lean on myself.” Luke Chlebowicz

But first it takes a decision to be brave.

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“Being brave doesn’t feel like bravery. It feels silly or embarrassing or uncomfortable or confusing or pointless or terrifying. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, that’s just part of the deal. You feel the feeling, and you do it anyway, because brav e isn’t a feeling. Brave is a choice.” Unknown

Resources ▪

Neutral — Ginger Rothhaas

Beyond Counting Blessings - DailyOM ...and that's okay. — Ginger Rothhaas second arrows - Ginger Rothhaas

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▪ Dr. Andy Yarborough | Licensed Clinical Psychologist (@mywellco.life) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ psychology clips (@psychohelp_) | TikTok ▪ Dave | Healing After a Narcissist | "A shame based fear of being ordinary". Unreal right? I know it's hard to believe that narcissism is shame based considering how they often… | Instagram

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Section II Being Ginger Lee

My given name is Ginger Lee and I lived the first 50+ years of my life as if I was modeling the definition of gingerly.

GINGERLY definition and meaning | Collins English Dictionary (collinsdictionary.com) “If you do something gingerly, you do it in a careful manner, usually because you expect it to be dangerous, unpleasant, or painful.” “Synonyms: cautiously, carefully, reluctantly, suspiciously.”

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?” Unknown

Chapter 1 — Fear & Control

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” Marie Curie

“What is your biggest fear?” I was asked.

“Flying,” I answered.

“Well, I guess it’s actually heights.”

“No, to be honest, it’s the fear of falling.”

“And, I guess…if I really think about it now…it’s the feeling I can’t catch myself, that there’s nothing solid beneath my feet.”

“O K , I get it now. I see where you’re going with this, Ginger, and I’m not really sure I like it, but…”

“The fear is, I do not have control. That is the fear.”

Aha, the epiphany.

When I questioned myself, when I got beneath the easy answers and summoned the courage to peel back all the layers, to look deeply within about how I really feel, not how I think, but how I feel…that’s when I was able to see what was holding me back from the beauty of living and experiencing all this life has to offer.

Fear and control.

“Fear doesn’t want to feel itself, it’s actually afraid of itself. So people utilize the mind in an attempt to manipulate life for the purpose of not feeling fear.” Steven Alimaras

When humans are scared, we seek control, but I didn’t learn that until a few years ago. So, instead of acknowledging and expressing the fear, understanding where it’s coming from, and learning how to deal with it in a healthy way, I unknowingly negatively affected myself and my relationships by attempting to control a situation or another person. Asking ourselves and each other hard questions can improve and even save relationships, jobs, and sometimes, even lives like mine. I believe we all have the power within to contemplate and eventually conquer every one of our fears. One…by…one. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

I believe we all innately know our own answers and therein lies the secret to…finding our own bliss.

“Understanding yourself is power. Loving yourself is freedom. Forgiving yourself is peace. Being yourself is bliss.” Unknown

Resources ▪ Erwin Raphael McManus (@erwinmcmanus) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ Mindsethub | Motivation | Lewis Howes - Learn to regulate your feelings. - Credits : @lewishowes Follow @mindsethub_for more Follow @mindsethub_for more Follow… | Instagram ▪ Mental Toughness — Ginger Rothhaas ▪ Take The Assessment - LaRae Quy

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Chapter 2 — Meeting Ginger

“Sometimes miracles are just good people with kind hearts.” Unknown

When I referred to Ginger in the first chapter, I was not actually referring to myself in third person, but rather to my self-compassion coach who, ironically, is also named Ginger. For the rest of this book, you can know when I use the name Ginger, I’m re ferring to her unless otherwise noted. I wanted to clear that up right away, because it created confusion at first when I would refer to her with a family member or friend. And knowing the use of third person can be viewed as an exaggerated positive view of oneself, that would not give an accurate impression of how I felt. In fact, Ginger told me I had been among the top five self-haters she worked with; not an enviable position to be in at that, but then later she broke the news that I had been the biggest self-hater. The comment from the first chapter, “I see where you’re going with this, Ginger, and I’m not really sure I like it,” was the kind of thing I would often think but then eventually would say to her. She’s smart, she’s intuitive. She knew when to gently push me to go deeper with hard questions. I don’t know if I ever learned to like it, but I grew to appreciate it and eventually asked myself my own hard questions. I used to think I was uniquely flawed. I didn’t think anyone else struggled like me. I thought I was alone, and no one would be able to understand the depths of my unworthiness. I thought I was, simply put, unfixable. Meeting Ginger for the first time gave me a sliver of hope. I have gone to the same church for almost 20 years. It ’ s a church that records attendance, but not in a punitive way. They send notes to those who are visiting from out of town, they deliver coffee mugs to local first-time visitors, they check on you with an email if you have regularly attended and suddenly stop. They truly are

following up to see if there is any support you need, because they truly do care. This is an example of a transcribed voicemail message that came the week of Thanksgiving 2021, and I have received similar messages in subsequent years. I cannot say I attended regularly; it was more in spurts. I would attend regularly and then something would happen and I would get out of the routine, or something particularly bad would happen and I wouldn’t feel spiritually connected so I would just avoid it. Through the years, I had gotten used to the tone of the emails from various volunteers. I would always reply to be kind, since they took the time to send the message. I would let them know I didn’t need anything, and I would be coming back when I cou ld. Sometimes I felt so guilty I would go the next weekend, and it always turned out I was glad that I had. During a particularly tough time of my life, I received the following email from one of the pastors. I recognized her name but couldn’t remember ever having met her. The tone seemed different, more personal, not like the

volunteer emails I had received. How strange, I thought.

From: Pastor Anne To: Ginger Bliss Subject: Re: Checking in! Sent: Thursday, August 2, 2018, 1:26:47 PM CDT

Hello! I hope you’re doing great this afternoon. I’m spending some time at a coffee shop in the Crossroads and your name came to mind. I am saying a prayer of gratitude for you today. I’ll pray you’re doing well, having a week with many reminders of God’ s love for you and that you feel encouraged in your endeavors. If we can support you, please don’t hesitate to reach out! See you soon!

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I saved the email, not knowing how to respond or even if I wanted to respond. God and I weren’t on good terms right at that time. “God’s love for you…feel encouraged,” I scoffed.

On Wednesday, August 8 at 12:36 a.m. I responded, saying, “Thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful message. The past year has been particularly challenging.” I went on to explain the details of what I was dealing with, said if she wanted to pray for that situation, she was welcome to and thanked her again for her kindness. I was with friends on the lake the following Saturday afternoon when Pastor Anne responded, saying, “Ginger, oh my goodness – I can’t imagine the pain in your heart. I imagine you have shed many tears. There is hope, the pain is not the end of the story so I will be praying that you have many reminders that God is carrying you and bringing about redemption through this pain. May God’s healing work be present in tangible ways every day. Please let me know if you would like to connect more or sit down for coffee sometime. I’ll keep you in my prayers.” On Friday, August 31, 2018, 11:20 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: Thank you so much for your kind words and for your prayers. It is quite painful indeed. If you had time to chat, I would enjoy getting some help thinking through a few things that make it difficult for me, quite frankly, to pray and come to church. When I was in college, I struggled but read a book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People , and it helped me be able to accept that God doesn't make the bad things happen but is there for us when they do to help us through them. I understand logically that nothing changes because of the latest suffering, but it doesn't provide quite the comfort and peace that it did before. And people say things quite frequently about God that make me question things. Like today, one of my dearest friends who is a Christian, had been very unhappy in a new role at work. Today she received an offer to change to a different one, and I'm sure she had been praying for that in the past few weeks, so she said "God is good" at the end of her text. I can agree with that, but if she hadn't gotten the change in assignments would she have said, God is bad. I don't think so...so how can people attribute good things happening to God, but not attribute the bad things or the things that don't happen when they pray for them. And if God isn't in control of good or bad things happening, then why do people pray for God to do things other than be there no matter what happens because God doesn't control things. I've heard Pastor Adam address this and I've tried listening to the sermons about this type of topic again, but I'm just not finding what can bring me peace and allow me to pray and attend church. This is probably a lot and maybe it's too much to chat about and come to any conclusions, but it's been a year now (tomorrow exactly) so I guess I feel like I should have been able to figure this all out on my own by now, but since I haven't, I figured maybe it was time to ask for help. You reaching out seemed like the opening I needed to ask. Again, thank you for your kindness and prayers...and for letting me just unload on you. Have a wonderful holiday weekend! I saved that email to a folder of messages that I plan to follow up on later and there it sat until the Friday of Labor Day weekend, when I responded to her with the following message.

Even the lake couldn’t provide the peace or solace that it once had, but I still went and was on the boat smiling through the pain the next day when I received her reply.

On Saturday, September 1, 2018, 2:21 PM, Pastor Anne wrote: Hi Ginger,

I think your questions and struggles are completely valid and I’m sure I would be thinking those same exact thoughts if I were you. I imagine as you said, coming up on the first anniversary probably intensifies your frustrations. That’s a great self -aware insight. You are right that none of these questions probably can be solved in one coffee setting, but I wanted to see if I could connect you with one of our amazing care ministers, who is seminary trained and she uses her time providing spiritual direction. I trust her implicitly and think you’d get better care and more attention from time with her than with me, but if you’d prefer to meet with me instead, I’m definitely more than willing to do that. Please let me know your preference. I am praying for you.

I remember thinking as I read her message, “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to meet with me either.” I’m always too much. People don’t really want to know about

me. Who would? Occasionally someone thinks they do, but they quickly realize they shouldn’t have asked. No one wants to know the real me. The real me is ugly, complicated…just a lot of stuff that no one wants, including me.

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I recognized the name of the person Pastor Anne had copied on the email as someone who had been involved at the church and thought it was ironic that she had referred me to another person with the same first name. I didn’t know any other Gingers. I thought , maybe she won’t even respond. I figured if she knew all I had told Pastor Anne, there was a good chance she wouldn’t want to meet with me either. I was shocked when on this holiday weekend, she responded less than three hours later, offering me options of times to get together the following week. She also suggested we meet for coffee. I really hated it when people wanted to meet for coffee. I don’t drink coffee, and I really don’t even like any beverages that are available at coffee shops. I never said anything, of course, but I just found it annoying. I had noticed a lady in my book group always brought in her own coffee cup regardless of where we went for break fast and thought, “Hmmm, I guess I could take my own cup with Diet Coke,” but then got realistic with myself and knew I could never be that bold. So, after a couple email exchanges trying to determine a day and time that would work for both of us, I added Friday morning coffee in Brookside with Ginger Rothhaas to my calendar. I was nervous about meeting with her. I really didn’t like meeting new people. And how would I even talk about things like this with her in person? It had been hard enough to write about them. Why was she even meeting me? She must just feel sorry for me, or think my questions are stupid and want to straighten me out. Since she’d been to seminary, of course she’d think she knew all the answers, but I was doubtful because I’d heard all the answers before, and they just didn’t make sense to me. I thought about canceling multiple times that week, but for some reason I didn’t. It would have been easy enough, but I didn’t. And I was pleasantly surprised and relieved when she suggested later in the week that we meet in her Brookside office instead of the coffee shop. Her office was in an older building, but she had decorated it with colorful furniture and pillows and artwork. Color, that was something I really wasn’t comfortable with personally. I preferred to blend in. I generally stuck with black, brown and navy blue, but if I felt particularly wild, I’d step out on a limb and go with gray. It was lighter, you know, might catch someone’s attention. And I also figured if you stick with the same things that haven’t let you down in the past, like black, brown and navy blue, you won’t be disappointed. So, my wardrobe was just like the rest of my life: a pattern, a routine, something I could count on that had less of a chance of surprising or disappointing me. She also had candles lit, I remember, and lots of books. It was very organized, which I liked, and she was very kind and welcoming. So, despite the vivid color, I found the space to be warm and inviting, and I was as comfortable as I could be meeting someone for the first time. There haven’t been many people I have met who I have instinctively trusted, but she was one I just felt a connection with from the beginning. Maybe it was the name, but really, I think it was just a feeling. We talked for a several hours, getting to know each other. I thought we were going to talk about all the questions I had asked the pastor, but instead we just talked and went wherever the conversation led. I told her about me and some of what was going on in my life. She told me about how she landed in self-compassion work and made it very clear that, while she did have clients, she was talking to me as a volunteer for the church and I owed her nothing. After several hours, she asked if I’d like to schedule another time to talk and I quickly said, “I would like to become a client.” It surprised me when the words came out of my mo uth. H adn’t I just wanted to cancel all week? But something about her and our discussion made me want to learn more. She said if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do, and again offered to just talk with me at no charge. I told her I was sure I wanted to become a client and so we scheduled another time to talk. At the end of our next two-hour session , she said she felt it was important to establish a goal. I couldn’t initially come up with one, so she suggested that perhaps a good goal would be to love myself. That was laughable, I thought, so I confidently said, “How about not hating myself as much.” She stopped writing, looked up and saw the seriousness with which I said those words. I added that I like goals but did not believe in setting one that was unattainable. I would be comfortable with perhaps working toward one day not hating myself, and maybe after that a stretch goal could be liking myself if she really wanted something more positive to write down, but

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loving myself that just wasn’t even in the realm of possibility. And she very slowly and thoughtfully said, “O K then, we will work on not hating yourself as much.” And I trusted her even more. She was the first person I had ever admitted hating myself to who didn’t try to talk me out of it. Everyone else had tried to tell me why I shouldn’t feel what I felt. But she believed me and accepted me right where I was. And if she hadn’t, I likely never would have returned.

And from there, I embarked on the bravest, hardest, and most pivotal journey of my life.

“There is a powerful moment in life when you either decide to tolerate life the way it is or decide to be brave and change it.” Rachel Marie Martin

Resources ▪ Amazon.com: Being Human: 150 Practices To Make It Easier: 9798218297992: Rothhaas, Ginger Hedrick: Books ▪ Dana Carretta, The EMDR Coach ™️ | Insights from @gabormatemd are always my favorite ❤️ Trauma is what happens inside of us when we don’t have an empathetic witness to what… | Instagram ▪ Why?: Making Sense of God's Will by Hamilton, Adam (amazon.com) ▪ Leading by Example (dailyom.com) ▪ FORMER ATHEIST WRECKED BY CORY ASBURY'S KIND - LEONARDO TORRES REACTS - YouTube ▪ The Christian faith does not teach that bad things aren’t going to happen to good people. It teaches that the bad things are never going to… | Instagram ▪ brave-ish - Ginger Rothhaas ▪ Susan David, Ph.D. (@susandavid_phd) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ Mindsethub | Motivation | Andre De Shields - Keep climbing. - Credits : @andre_deshields Follow @mindsethub_ for more Follow @mindsethub_ for more Follow… | Instagram ▪ GBH | “Respecting and loving your neighbor can give everybody a good feeling.” It’s #WorldKindnessDay. The floor is yours, Mister… | Instagram ▪ Should we chase dopamine or oxytocin? Let me know your thoughts in the comments Research 1. Harvard Study of Adult Development… | Instagram

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Chapter 3 — A Reason to Live

“Your childhood is an explanation for the way you are, but not an excuse to stay the way you are.” Dana Carretta

I grew up a small-town Kansas girl. I had one sister who was four and a half years older than me, and my parents were married until I was 12 years old. My mom and I moved to another town after my sixth grade year, so my sister and I didn’t live together after that. I don’t remember many details of my childhood, but when I look back at pictures, I don’t see a girl who was very happy. And while it would be understandable to feel badly about the clothing and hair styles of the 70s and 80s, I see more than that: I see real sadness and loneliness in that little girl’s eyes. While I can only provide a brief description of my childhood because I don’t remember much, it illustrates how important it is for everyone to heal their own childhood wounds, so as parents we can

offer our healed and very best selves to our children.

“Forgive your parents. They were learning too.” Unknown

There are no perfect parents, including me, and that shouldn’t even be the goal. The goal should be to become the healthiest parents we can be. We are all hurt as children in some way, since there are no perfect parents. It seems like when we become parents ourselves, we tend to either imitate the way our parents hurt us or do the exact opposite of everything our parents did . I’ve learned the healthy place for me is generally in the middle versus either end of the spectrum on most everything. Like many parents, I believe mine raised us similarly to how they were raised. Many “unpleasant” things were never discussed. Unpleasant covered a wide variety of topics, but basically boiled down to anything that would make a person feel or express too much of any emotion. However, if there was an exception to the rule it was anger. I heard about, and even more, sensed a lot of anger present in those around me. And even laughter wasn’t acceptable for good little girls. As an example, if someone passed gas or belched, it was to be ignored. One time, my sister and I giggled in the back seat of the car after hearing one of those sounds, and we were promptly scolded making it clear to me that normal bodily functions were off limits for acknowledgement. And to avoid getting in trouble for anything else, I moved forward with the assumption that allowing normal bodily functions was off limits too, or at a minimum they were to be hidden. While I don’t remember many details, there were extremely limited times we could play with friends, many hours were spent cleaning the house including “raking” the shag carpet to perfection, and we were told if you’re going to do it, do it right. My sister, unfortunately, took the brunt of the punishments because “she was older and should know better.” Understandably , she may have thought I got special treatment, but I just learned in order to stay out of trouble, I needed to be quiet and never express myself, follow all the rules without question, always behave like a little adult, never express emotion or opinion, and always be aware that just because things are OK one minute, they could change in a split second.

T o be safe, only speak when you are spoken to because…

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That’s not something we discuss. If you say that, you’ll go to hell.

We’ll talk about that when you get older. That’s not something nice girls talk about.

Certainly, there are some good memories I can recall, including camping and boating at Webster Lake and summer vacations to various destinations, especially Table Rock Lake with several very loving families. I just remember doing things together was more peaceful than simply being together.

“At the end of the day, your folks aren’t heroes or villains. You don’t have to idolize nor vilify them; they just did the best they could with the resources they had available in their particular community.” Shaoni Das

That little girl’s sadness and loneliness grew through the years until I was an 18-year-old recent high school graduate who wanted to kill herself. I had gained weight in the second half of my senior year, I didn’t feel I had any close friends and in short, I felt fat, ugly, and disgusting. I truly believed no one would even miss me when I was gone. So, I planned to end the pain. Since I don’t recall many details from this time period to be able to fully describe it, please take three minutes and listen to the song through the link below. Really try to feel the words of this song, not just hear them. Connect with your heart and soul and feel the isolation. Imagine feeling completely numb, unable to truly experience anything.

No joy, no anger, and not even an ability to cry anymore. Just existing...without a purpose...a mere shell of a human being.

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

Now imagine losing all hope that remained in those lyrics … But I wanna try. (I not only didn’t wanna try, but I also couldn’t. I had nothing left. I was empty.)

But someday I might. (Someday felt as hopeless as today. I had been trying so hard, for so long. I was done. Something I’m made for. ( If I had been made for something, I was certain I had messed that up too. I was worthless and without purpose.)

While I don’t remember much , I do know that’s how I felt because I would continue to feel that way for most of my adult life.

I lived with my mom, and she was out of town one weekend visiting her sister, so I grabbed a bottle of my prescribed narcotics for migraine pain, set a glass of water on my nightstand, and crawled into bed. I took the lid off the bottle, preparing to take the pills, but must have fallen asleep. The next thing I remember was feeling someone sitting on the edge of the bed behind me. I could feel the person sitting right next to me, touching me, but I wasn’t scared. I just laid there still, quiet, with a sense of peace I had never known. I must have fallen back asleep and when I woke up the next morning, pill bottle still in my hand, I was confused. I remembered the person sitting with me, but quickly turned to logic and figured the only explanation was that my mom must have come home unexpectedly. But then I remembered how peaceful I felt, so I went downstairs to check and she wasn’t there. And I could tell she hadn’t been. No one had. Unless it was …”No, that’s not possible,” I told myself. “Or i s it?”

Right then, the doorbell rang and that scared me.

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