Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 6 — The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“ The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.” Bessel A. van der Kolk

The other part of the assignment Ginger had given me was to notice my self-talk throughout the week, the things we say in our minds to ourselves. She gave me a simple one-page sheet with several questions on it that I was supposed to answer before I return ed to meet with her. While I wasn’t thrilled about doing it, I complied because that’s just what I do. I emailed her the completed assignment prior to the next appointment.

From: Ginger Bliss To: Ginger Rothhaas Wed, Sep 26, 2018 at 1:07 AM

I had written down some thoughts after the first week we met, and you gave me the worksheets. I decided to go ahead and share them with you as I think it will help you know some of my struggles better. I feel like a big area of my struggle has had to do with the relationships with men I have had, so the easiest way for me to tell you about that is with this document. There are only two people who really know about all of it. I didn't tell either of the MOCSA therapists I worked with all of what I'm sharing with you...it's probably way more than you want to know, but maybe by reading some of these ramblings, you will pick up on things that could help me move forward as I feel a little stuck with some of this stuff and I'm not sure I can really move forward if I don't lay it all out. I'm slightly embarrassed, but I have not felt judged with anything else and feel like I've been pretty honest, so included in this document are the worst of my secrets all laid out there. I feel like Brené Brown would be proud of me...talk about being vulnerable.

Week One Journal Notice Self-Talk

When did you hear the voices of the inner judge, critic, encourager, wisdom, fear, doubt, etc.? Most anytime I think about myself or how someone else feels about me. If I am not talking, it’s likely I’m hearing something negative about myself or rehashing a situation and beating myself up or worrying about a future situation and beating myself up. When someone I care about is down, it takes constant effort to keep myself from joining. I have to constantly tell myself not to let another’s depression make me go to a dark place also. I try to fight it, but it’s very difficult and I have to try to catch m yself as I think back and rehash how I could have done things differently, how I could have made different decisions, how everything could be different if I had or hadn’t, etc., etc., etc. This takes a lot of energy and is very difficult. Notice where telling the truth was a challenge-what did you feel and why was it difficult to be truthful? I was given Starlight Theatre tickets which was really nice, but I didn’t want to go and couldn’t find anyone else who was ab le to use the tickets. The person who gave them to me was excited about me going, so I found myself thinking about whether to be ho nest that I didn’t want to go but then I would talk myself out of it because I didn’t want to take the chance of hurting anyone’s feelings or seeming unappreciative. I tried to get people I worked with to take the tickets, but everyone already had plans. I finally asked a friend in my church small group if she wanted to go, expecting it would be too late notice, but she responded in about 30 seconds and said she’d love to go. We met for dinner at the Plaza and then I drove us to Starlight. I was exhausted a nd had trouble staying awake, but she hadn’t ever been to Starlight and really enjoyed it. The tickets were great, and she seemed ve ry appreciative of the opportunity to go. And I got to hear about her daughter’s wedding in Colorado a couple weeks earlier. It turned out to be a nice evening, despite being tired so I’m glad I asked her and went. Notice when you felt pain, sadness, insufficient, worthless, unworthy, less than, suffering, or frustration with your abilities. What triggered these feelings and how did you react? John — Hard to make this one concise, but three years ago we got to be good friends. We see each other most every day and sometimes we talk for a very long time. It started that we would go out together with a mutual friend. He has been divorced a little longer than I have. About six months after we started hanging out, periodically we spent the night together at his home. Kylee was at KU, so she didn’t know. About three weeks or so after that first time, he told me that we shouldn’t see each other because what if he fell in love with me but then met someone who could have children and we work together so what if it didn’t work out, etc. I was a little hurt, but mainly just thought it was odd that he was already worried about any of those things. Since then, we have had “sleepovers” periodically, but he has been hesitant because we haven’t been “dating,” and he feels like it’s not fair to me. We’ve talked about this and usually when we do, I am ok during the conversation, but then afterward I feel awful and think there must be something terribly wrong with me that no one wants to date me and then that he doesn’t even want to have sex with me when I would allow it. He said I could date anyone and questioned why I didn’t. He’s attracted to me, and I’m attracted to him, there’s no question about that. We have a connection that I have not had with anyone else. We talk about anything and everything. We know each other’s secrets and faults and we’ve shared a lot through the years. I don’t doubt that he cares about me, but he says he couldn’t have an all- in relationship with me because of the work connection. He has said multiple times that he doesn’t want to hurt me which sort of pisses me off and seems arrogant, like why is he worried he’s going to hurt me, what if I hurt him? Anyway, clearly it has probably not been a healthy relationship…but on the other hand, I feel like it’s one of the best, most healthy, most real relationship s I have ever had because we are friends, yet very attracted to each other and can talk about anything and everything.

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