Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I have binge eating issues. I can control them most of the time, but sometimes all I want to do is eat. I understand that I’m trying to stuff the feelings that I don’t want to feel with food to keep them down and I realize that it will only make me feel even worse…but sometimes I still do it. It’s nothing like a few years ago when I would literally eat half a box of cereal in one sitting or go get four of the huge cupcakes and eat every one or eat a whole pizza or multiple ice cream cones or whatever…it is an exhausting mind game I play with all this. I do feel I’ve made progress in being able to walk away from the pantry most of the time, but it s till makes me feel bad whether I end up eating or not. I don’t like to throw up ever and will do anything I can not to, so I never purged in that way. I have exercised consistently, but not even to a point where I feel it is a purging…so my weight can fluctuate some or a t least I feel that my weight fluctuates a lot. I have what a GI doctor has told me after many awful disgusting tests that I have muscle related bowel issues causing constant constipation and I need physical therapy, but I have not gone. I am miserable much of the time physically and that just makes me feel even fatter and uglier. I understand it is not that uncommon with people who have been raped but then it just makes me wonder what all I don’t remember and then I feel even worse and want to eat and make myself even more miserable and the saga goes on and on… Where did you notice an awareness of self-compassion or an opportunity to show yourself love? I was late to lunch with a friend, apologized via text but said I was worth waiting for, so I’d be there soon. I told myself that I deserved to focus on me for once and I had been the one waiting many times before, so it was nothing to feel badly about after I did apologize. And I told myself I deserved two hours to work on me. (first appointment with you) After re-reading and listening to some more inquiry examples I better understand that I was in John ’s business trying to control his feelings or at least trying to interpret his feelings and making up my own stories to prepare myself for him not loving me because I don’t love me. Why would I ever believe anyone else could love me if the person who does truly know all about me, me, doesn’t? Instead of adjusting my behavior and giving or withholding my love for him in response to my interpretation of his loving or not loving behavior/feelings...all I can do is admit I love him, be myself, accept I can’t co ntrol his feelings toward me and all I do when I try to control or interpret his feelings is hurt myself with my made-up stories. See what you think, am I on the right track at all? We can discuss Friday but didn’t want to lose the thought. “Counter -dependency involves avoiding any dependence on others, being uncomfortable opening up to or trusting others, pushing others away, appearing overly independent, acting strong, and keeping overly busy. It is common in people with early childhood trauma or abuse. Counter-dependency is a pattern of behavior, not an illness, and can be healed.” Wordpress.com I did tell her about being unfaithful but omitted it here since I already have a whole chapter dedicated to that topic. As I read back through what I sent to Ginger about John , it’s clear I wasn’t fully honest even with her about everything. There was an air of me being OK with everything and in control. Inside, though, I felt anything but that. It would be years before I could truly be honest with anyone else because I hadn’t yet become completely honest with myself. I had always felt like there was something inherently wrong with me and I could not be loved. The best example of my few failed relationships was in my early 20s when a guy I was seeing broke up with me by quoting the Meatloaf song Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad , “I want you, I need you but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you, now don’t be sad cause two out of three ain’t bad.” Ouch, that one still sort of stings just typing it. I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that I might have gotten lucky escaping that on e if he could break up with me in quite that way, but it was what I said to myself after that hurt even more. I told myself this was unmistakably further confirmation that I was completely unlovable as a human being. There was something so inherently wrong with me that no one could ever truly love me, especially a man. And even if one would eventually say he loved me, it was only going to be temporary because of course, I was unlovable and eventually he’d figure that out too. From: Ginger Bliss To: Ginger Rothhaas Wed, Sep 26, 2018 at 2:41 AM

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” Seneca

After sending Ginger these emails and the completed assignment instead of waiting for our appointment, always trying to be the overachiever of course, I sent her another email telling her that I had vulnerability hangover, a term I had read in a Brené Brown book. Following is her response to that email.

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