Brave Enough To Be Bliss

together. And also, he might still be able to meet someone who could have kids. I have no idea what I said, if anything, but we left quickly, of that I am sure.

I was stunned and humiliated and sad. But as I recall, I sounded mad when I sent a text later after what he had said sunk in. I didn’t express any of the real feelings I was having, I was just pissed off, but mainly at myself because it had been my decision to pick A. And I hated myself even more for allowing myself to think that someone actually cared about me and wanted to have a relationship. Who was I kidding, of course he wouldn’t, no one w ould, you idiot. You’re unlovable. When are you going to get th at through your head?!?! I felt stupid and used. And yet, I had to face him the next day at work…and face him I would. I vowed that he’d never see me cry. I can handle anything. I’d been hurt in worse ways, so I would take it all in stride. I’d never admit how deeply hurt I was. I could take care of myself. I’d been used before, and I’d be used again. That’s the life of someone who is just an unlovable piece of trash, so of course, I’d take it as it came and act like everything was OK. One would think that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t. I don’t recall when, but we started talking again and eventually, things felt good. We were back to talking like we did before in my office, and I was so happy we could at least be friends. But then one night he asked if he could come see me at my apartment in Overland Park. I said yes because I was so hopeful maybe he had just gotten scared when he said he couldn’t see me and maybe now he had changed his mind, and we could date. Since we had already had sex, there was really no reversing that and it felt good to be wanted by him. And while I was with him, it was safe, warm, peaceful. And I really did think he truly cared for me, or he wouldn’t be spending so much time with me and sharing so m any of his thoughts and feelings. Never his feelings about me, of course, but still. Our friend was convinced he really did like me too, so it felt OK most of the time. But OK got me into trouble once, so I should have taken that as a clear sign. In the morning, I woke up but wasn’t certain if he was still sleeping or not since he was laying on his side with his back to me. To check, I timidly reached over and gently touched his back. My touch startled him, and he quite literally jumped out of bed. I felt terrible for having caused such a reaction and immediately wished I had just kept my hands to myself and waited for him to reach out to me. He seemed embarrassed and went to his truck, saying he was going to get a toothbrush. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and when he came back to bed, he seemed OK, but I felt like I had done something very wrong. I tried to push those thoughts away and didn’t ask him anything, I just tried to enjoy the time with him. After he left, I went back into the bathroom and noticed he left his toothbrush there. I wondered if I should ask him if he wanted me to give it back to him at work. Not because I didn’t want him to come back and have a need for it, I just couldn’t imagine he would have left it there on purpose after everything that had happened a while back. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to get my hopes up again. So, I told myself the toothbrush had to be an accident, and I would just be helpful by taking it back to him at the office. Before too long, I received a text message from John with a link to the song, Cake by the Ocean . I’m not positive if it was just the link or perhaps it might have said something like, “made me think of you.” I couldn’t make out many of the words of the song other than the title when it repeated, and I didn’t know what that meant. I sent a text to ou r friend, and she said, it meant sex on the beach. Back at that time, it didn’t occur to me to look online for the lyrics. It was confusing and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I mean we clearly had sex, so was it to say he enjoyed being with me? I remembered he was going to a tropical destination for a wedding soon, could it be saying he would be thinking of me when he was there on the beach? I Will Never Let You Know -- Lyrics -- Nashville (youtube.com)

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