Brave Enough To Be Bliss

After he fell asleep and I was lying there, it wasn’t long before my mind left the present and started to worry about what time it was. Additionally, I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable actually going to sleep, but then I never felt comfortable going to sleep so that wasn’t new. And then I thought , what if I snore or drool, it was way too soon to let him see that. And then I returned to thinking about the time, and it occurred to me that in order for both of us to be to work on time I would need to drive all the way back to my apartment, shower, get ready and dressed, and drive back across town before rush hour. I couldn’t go to work in the same clothes as yesterday. And it never even occurred to me that I could take him to work and then go home and come in later. I worked so many long hours, it’s not like it would have been that big a deal, but I just didn’t even consider it. If I had, of course, I would have enjoyed laying there in bed with him for as long as I could even if I didn’t sleep. But since I hadn’t thought of that option, I got out of bed, hoping to sneak out so I didn’t wake him. But when I got to the garage door, I realized I didn’t know how to close it and didn’t want to leave him with it open. So I had to wake him up and that felt terrible, but I told him I’d come back to pick him up in a couple hours and go to work. He seemed disappointed, but still kind, and I was so worried about getting us to work on time that I didn’t give it much thought. I was on such a high from being in his arms, I didn’t even mind the 45 -minute drive with no sleep at about 4 a.m. I vividly remember driving over the bridge and hearing this song I hadn’t heard before start to play on the radio. And I thought yes, I could die happy right now. That was simply amazing. He is simply amazing. It also made me wonder if Marvin Gaye would have been a better music selection since his name is mentioned in the song. I needed to do better and learn more artists ’ names in case he ever made me select music again. But one thing I was confident about was that he liked it when I wore dresses, even if he didn’t actually tell me in words, so that was another part of the song that reminded me of him. Overall, the song just seemed to fit my mood and I hoped he was feeling happy too. So, I smiled the JV smile all the way home…and back. After making the drive a couple hours later to pick him up, I tried to find his house and realized I didn’t know where it was. He had driven there, and I wasn’t really paying attention when I left as I was too busy thinking about everything that had happened . I drove around for quite a while, but I didn’t live in that area, so nothing was really familiar to me. Eventually I had to text him and ask for his address. I picked him up, but immediately knew things were off. It wasn’t the way it was the night before at all. I wondered if I had made a mistake. At first, I tried to think maybe I was imagining it, but no, it definitely felt wrong, all wrong. Like a huge mistake…and it was one I would always regret. We talked at the office some, but things were definitely not like they had been before. I was just so confused. Hadn’t he said he wanted to take me to dinner, or did I completely misinterpret that somehow? I was absolutely positive it didn’t have anything to do with his level of satisfaction with the actual intimate experience, but other than that I didn’t have a clue about anything. It just didn’t make sense, and I need things to make sense. I didn’t like asking questions because I was afraid of hearing the answers. I didn’t like hearing bad news. When I was little, I would make notes asking if I could do something and add check boxes for yes and no. It felt safer to be told the answers in writing, especially no. Since I couldn’t do that as an adult, I star ted making up my own answers to things I wasn’t sure about, always selecting the worst possible outcome so I could be prepared for it, hoping it wouldn’t hurt quite as much that way. But even if it did, at least I would be braced for it. A few weeks later, he asked our friend and I to go have dinner at an Italian restaurant, so we went. When she said she had to leave, he asked if I could stay and talk. It didn’t feel like it was going to be good at all. I had a minute to prepare myself for the bad news while she was getting up to leave. He proceeded to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to see me outside the office anymore because what if he fell in love with me and we worked Thomas Rhett - Die A Happy Man (Lyric Video) (youtube.com) “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” Jonathan Safran Foer

83