Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I made the selection. There was just so much pressure and I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t have time to assess everything, and I didn’t see the question coming at all. I was caught off guard and I was ill equipped with no prior experience in this type of situation. So, as I always did, I quickly tried to figure out what he would want my answer to be because that’s what I did have experience with. I wasn’t used to being asked what I wanted and when I was, I usually didn’t even know what I wanted because I didn’t really know how I felt in the moment. I would have to think about it. It was way too scary to just pick an answer when I wasn’t sure what the right answer was. But in this case, there was no time, so I just did all I could think of and said what I thought would make him happy. In that moment, I was most fearful of him feeling rejected, especially in front of her. I wasn’t sure if I could ask to stop and talk about it, just the two of us. And if I had said that I was worried he would think I was rejecting him. So, all I could think of saying in that instant with all those thoughts going through my head was that the safest answer to ensure he didn’t feel I was rejecting him was OK. The only answers on this multiple-choice test at first were A. yes and B. no. If, in that moment, there had been a choice of C, to go to dinner…it would have been the quickest answer I had ever selected on a multiple -choice test in my life because hands down, I wanted to go out by ourselves on a real date. I wanted to be picked up. I wanted him to open doors for me. I wanted him to suggest something on the menu as I was sure we’d be going to his favorite Italian place. I wanted to pick out something special to wear hoping he would like it. I wanted the anticipation and excitement of thinking about it. I wanted the experience of time with him outside of the office without anyone else around. I wanted him to be able to tell his mom and sister he was taking me out. And then when he took me home at the end of the date, I wanted him to be a gentleman and walk me to my door and tenderly kiss me goodnight. I wanted to be able to walk inside my house with the biggest JV smile on my face thinking I was the luckiest lady in the world, wondering what we might do on a second date. But there would be no first date because I picked the wrong damn answer even though I didn’t yet know C was going to be an option. I said OK to A when all this time we had been getting to know each other so well, all I desperately hoped for was C. But the re’s no room to write in the answer I want on a multiple - choice test, that’s why I prefer essay questions. It allows me time to think, to fully answer a question, not just give a letter. I need words, not a single letter. I didn’t yet know how to use my vo ice to say the words I needed to write, so I picked the only letter I thought would ensure time with him. But it’s multiple choice and you only have one shot to get it right. And as usual on a personal level, I got it wrong. And then once it was set in motion, I sure couldn’t say I’d like to go back and pick B for tonight. No one lets you retake a test like that, so knowing I was stuck with A, I figured I’m an adult, I was ruined because of sex from the very first time, so it’ s not like this was going to make it any worse. And I decided for once in my life I would throw caution to the wind, trust that he really did care about me, and just try to enjoy being with the man I already knew I loved. I told myself for once to just stop thinking and fully enjoy the experience. And I really did believe after that night there would be dates since he had brought up C. Surely that meant I wasn’t dreaming this all up and he really was interested in having more than a friendship with me. Even though it was rare, I took a big leap of faith in someone, didn’t worry about the future, and focused on staying in the present moment as much as was possible for me at that time. It felt very special and trusting. If speed was an indicator of his excitement level, he seemed very excited on the drive there. When we pulled into his garage, he asked me to wait in the car for a few minutes so he could tidy up since he hadn’t planned on having anyone come over. I thought that was very sweet. When he came back out and brought me inside, everything was very nice, so he must not have had to do much. Then he took me into his bedroom, where I saw he had lit candles, and then he told me he would go get croissants for us in the morning. That effort touched my heart deeply and I wanted him even more. He asked me what music I would like to have him play and I couldn’t think of any artist s’ names, but he persisted and finally I blurted out something, but I remember being uncomfortable. I didn’t like pressure. It made me feel self -conscious and judged for whatever answer I would give, and I had had quite enough of that on this night. I loved music, but I never really paid much attention to artists ’ names. I felt like I gave another wrong answer, but regardless, he proceeded to tenderly kiss me and undress me, and it was an amazing night, and I couldn’t have been happier…except of course if there had been option C from the start.

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