Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I didn’t respond right away. I took a shower and when I got out still thinking about the song, I looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself who we were talking about. I was convinced it was just a message to remind me I meant nothing to him, and he was just using me for sex. Of course that’s all he wanted, that’s all anyone ever wanted from me. I was hurt and again felt I had made a mistake. I don’t remember how I rep lied, but I have no doubt it was something to push him away and likely the next time I saw him at work when I felt like a bit stronger person, I made sure he knew I was calm, cool, and collected; I would never let him see he could hurt me. And I took the toothbrush back to him and left it on his desk. I have no idea how much time passed, it could have been one month, six months, one year or more, but just like before, we ’ d always start talking again. We were such good friends, we talked about everything there was to talk about, except our feelings for each other. It didn’t take long to get right back to feeling as close as we had before, regardless of whatever incident had most recently happened to make one of us push the other away. The next significant thing that happened was when we were at his house one evening. I was already vulnerable because it was still light out and he could see me, all of me. We were just chatting, and then he looked at me and said something like, “You could be dating anyone, why are you here?” I was stunned, mortified. I wanted to crawl under the sheets, hide under the bed, run out the door — that is, if I’d had clothes on…but mostly, I wanted to burst into tears. I loved him, that’s why I was there. Why else would I be there? What was he trying to tell me with that question? Well, it wasn’t too hard to figure that one out…he was just using me for sex since he was suggesting I go date someone else. It was horrifying to me that he would so casually tell me that right after we had sex, while I was still in his bed. I felt like a slut. What had I been doing with him all these times? I thought he really cared about me. No, he hadn’t said the words, but we talked for hours, he shared so much deeply personal information, he flirted with me; it seemed so clear, or I wouldn’t have been having sex with him. How could he not understand he was hurting me? I honestly don’t know what I said, if anything, but I am positive I shut down even more than usual and quickly made an exit. “Step into the power of choice and begin to live according to your values, not your insecurities.” Susan David

That’s what happened when I felt criticized or hurt, I shut down and just wanted to get the hell out of the situation as quickly as possible.

“Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.” Unknown

Resources ▪

Pattern of Pain - DailyOM

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