Brave Enough To Be Bliss

in my resignation, thinking I would be able to find something else very quickly since I hadn’t had any trouble previously. It was August and I had stopped taking birth control pills after the first of the year, but I remember being so scared of all the what-ifs that went through my mind that each month when he was disappointed, I was secretly relieved. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a baby, I jus t felt too scared of all the possible ways I could be imperfect and how I could injure or cause some pain in the ch ild’s life, and I didn’t think I could bear that. Looking back, the decision to resign wasn’t a good one as it turned out to be much more difficult finding a job this time. I had no choice but to begin working for a temporary employment agency and was placed at a hospital assisting an outsourced billing c ompany. While it wasn’t very logical timing, after leaving the school district where I was faced daily with the sadness of the children’s experiences , I decided I was good with the idea of getting pregnant and within two months I was. Around this same time, I was moved by the temp agency to a position at the corporate office of Hallmark Cards, Inc. where I stayed until I had our baby. For several months before my pregnancy became obvious, I continued to apply for permanent positions, but being the honest and very naïve person I was, I started saying in every interview that they should be aware I was pregnant. I didn’t receive any job offers and eventually quit applying , figuring no one would hire me when I was only a few months away from giving birth. Some of my thoughts and feelings were… of disbelief. It was still hard to believe that there was really a little person growing inside of me. Since I hadn’t seen any significant physical changes yet, it was just so hard to comprehend. But maybe that’s the way all miracles are. I was apprehensiv e that I would do something to harm you without knowing it, too. Overall, though, I was anxious for a sign from you that you were growing and doing well. I have so many hopes for you… but most of all, I want you to be a happy, content, giving, loving, compassionate individual who is confident of herself and her abilities. There will be trying times in your life, but I hope that with faith in God and in yourself you will always find the strength you need to get through those times and move on with a positive attitude. I would like for you to know all that is happening in my life now. Someday we’ll sit and read this together, so you’ll know about… how much we wanted you in our lives. I quit my job at the end of July because I was very unhappy. It was a hard decision, especially since we had been trying to conceive. But I knew if I became pregnant, I couldn’t quit that job. I didn’t think it would ta ke long to find another full-time job, but as it turns out, it did. Even though I was worried about money, I still believed starting a family was something we needed to do now. And more than that, we desperately wanted to. I didn’t read through the pregnancy journal before deciding to insert some of it, so I was very surprised at this entry. I could have gone back and adjusted what I wrote above, but I am leaving it as it was written to make the point that sometimes over tim e and due to later circumstances, we file away situations in our minds that aren’t always accurate. Above, I wrote that it was a “very poor decision” to quit my job, but at the time, it was a very strategic one. I am guessing because of the financial strain after giving birth and not having any income for a couple months, I began to blame myself, so that’s how I remembered this time of my life. Looking back now, I could have been proud of myself for being brave enough to take the risk, invest in our family, and get out of an unhappy situation. I remember really liking the people I worked with, so I think what made me unhappy was hearing about all the painful situations the children faced in their lives and not feeling that I could make any kind of difference for them. It made me feel helpless, and just like at the homeless shelter, when I felt helpless, I never wanted to go back. “Joy is vulnerable—that’s why we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Don’t squander joyful moments by waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lean in and practice gratitude.” Brené Brown My husband’s grandmother was a very special woman. Grandma Nellie had given us a pregnancy journal that is one day to be given to the child and it had prompts to write from. Following are a few of the entries.

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