Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 9 — Motherhood & Madness Chapter Dedication: Nellie May Weaver Livingston, January 1, 1927-May 16, 1997

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had. And dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” Linda Wooten

We began to talk with friends and colleagues about when to start a family and of course they emphasized there is no perfect time. If you wait for the perfect time, you’ll never have children. He was more than ready and didn’t appear to worry about all the things that could go wrong or how we would pay for the additional expenses. I had always been hesitant about having children because I never wanted to do anything that would cause a child any pain. At my core I knew I was unlovable, and he’d eventually fin d out, so divorce was inevitable. And my confidence level in general about being a perfect, or even a good enough, mother was nonexistent. After I left KU, I got the first job I applied for at the Kansas City, Missouri School District. It was one of the most rigorous hiring processes I have been through even though it was only for a public information assistant position. There were three rounds of interviews. The first two were group interviews where all candidates were present at the same time and asked the same questions from a panel including representatives of the Board and district administrators. The final interview was with the Public Information Officer I would be directly working for, and I was also able to meet her staff of two. I liked them all and felt like it would be a good fit, and I needed a job quickly, so when I got the offer, I didn’t hesitate to accept . While I had been in Kansas City a few times, growing up in small towns, I really didn’t know much about what to expect in urban areas. It was all quite different from what I was used to, but I learned the processes and enjoyed the people I worked directly with. It was difficult to work there because we handled all the media requests, but the Board had to approve what we said. Someone from the Board routinely leaked information to the reporter who covered the school district for The Kansas City Star ® , so we knew oftentimes when we gave the approved message to her, she would already have information in conflict with that. It was frustrating and felt like a no-win situation. I remember driving with a male colleague to one of the schools for a meeting. He was driving, but on the way, a car with several men pulled up next to us and while I don’t know exactly what they were yelling, they didn’t look happy and even he looked a little bit nervous. He started driving faster and they started driving faster, eventually pulling in dangerously close behind us. Fortunately, the school property was only a few blocks away and he was sure if we could make it there, they wouldn’t follow. Fort unately, he was right, and the chase stopped at the entrance. That was a good learning experience for me to keep my eyes open and make sure I got onto school property if I ever felt nervous driving to the various schools in the district. This district had been ordered to desegregate in 1984 and they’d spent millions of dollars on a Magnet School concept during that time. There was a lot of controversy about whether the money spent was actually improving student learning. In addition to those overarching challenges, there were frequent calls from WDAF TV and its Call-to-Action volunteers, who took complaints from callers about the district. They would then call me, and it was my job to follow up and hopefully find a way to deflect any negative coverage. Fortunately, I was able to uncover facts and avoid any negative coverage from these particular calls. However, there was still very damaging media coverage from other issues we couldn’t manage , including a tragic bus accident killing a student and an incident when the superintendent, who was on medical leave for a chronic back problem, was caught by a TV news camera carrying lumber and moving boxes in Florida. And when I would go out to the schools to interview principals or teachers about activities, it was inevitable I would hear heartbreaking stories about the students. It felt like there was really no way to make a positive difference for the kids and that made it a very difficult place to work.

After about 14 months, there were budget issues and position eliminations were underway. I asked my boss if mine was going to be one of them and she said she was afraid that might happen. So, I went ahead and turned

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