Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I saw a related Instagram post that I found interesting… Have you ever noticed this? “Sad” has 3 letters but so does “Joy” “Fall” has 4 letters but so does “Rise” “Curse” has 5 letters but so does “Bless” “Ignore” has 6 letters but so does “Listen” “Enemies” has 7 letters but so does “Friends” “Immature” has 8 letters but so does “Maturity” “Ignorance” has 9 letters but so does “Knowledge” “Negativity” has 10 letters but so does “Positivity” @robertsecond53

The next day I was responding to a text from my former mother-in-law and said, “It’s a special place here and I really feel at home. I can’t even describe in words the peace I have here. My heart is full too! It’s been quite a couple months of learning, growing and healing. I’m embracing the never ending of it and have found peace wi th the changing masterpiece along the way. So much brain work that it’s exhausting sometimes. Just SO many years of bad wiring in this brain. I’m getting it more everyday though fortunately and the joy just grows. And working on the book is helping me real ize just how much growth there has been so that’s good for me too. I have brief periods of time where I think I’m still just being silly thinking I can write a book, but I hear you and a few others in my head just telling me to stop and keep writing. Even if only you guys who love me read it, that’ll be ok because at least you’ll know me even better…perhaps some things you’ll wish you didn’t know, but I’m counting on no judgment and regardless it is what it is and at least I’m finally brave enough to just b e the imperfect me. The mistakes I’ve made are in the past and I’ve made amends with all who I need to now, so I’m good with anyone who wants to judge me or leave me because I know I’m a good person, I was just a really hurt person and hurt people mess up things just trying to be loved, as messed up thinking as that is. ” That is where I stopped typing as I realized I hadn’t apologized to my former husband, at least not verbally. Perhaps I had done so in writing with a few general apologies through the past 13 years, but I knew in my heart, I needed to do the brave thing and talk to him. We were married for 18 years and in that time, I had acted out my fears for sure, but I’m not positive I ever really shared my heart . I wasn’t capable of that yet and there’s so much I wasn’t aware of until the past five years as I’ve been uncovering everything. So, while overdue, a sincere apology and some explanation was warranted. So, I proceeded to record a video for the next 30 minutes and the link below shows a portion of that communication. I opened an email later that evening from Eric Forbis, founder of Wisdom for Life, promoting a Pathways to Wholeness retreat that said this, “ Trauma shapes our lives in unseen ways. It distorts our perception of reality and leaves us stuck in patterns of contraction, defense, and reactivity. Virtually all of our deepest afflictions can be traced back to unhealed trauma. The good news is that wisdom lies in realizing that our traumatic responses are not who we are. We can reconnect to our natural state of wholeness when we learn how to compassionately unravel our trauma stories and imprints.” I felt validated that what I had just tried to explain to both men was backed up by this information from an expert. That my behavior, while unfortunate, could be expected from someone who hadn’t yet healed from trauma, not as an excuse but as a reason that could be understood. And it reminded me to have compassion for myself, and that some things are harder to heal than others. 11 6 23 edited video 1 (youtube.com)

“You cannot shame yourself into change. You can only love yourself into healing.” Dr. Caroline Leaf

I no longer regret anything when I apologize. The apology allows me to get it out of my body by stating out loud that I acknowledge and own it and am truly sorry. That makes it a learning experience I have made amends for and can then fully release, knowing I have no control over how it’s received or if I am forgiven. I can only

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