Brave Enough To Be Bliss

“What do boundaries feel like? It is not my job to fix others. It is ok ay if others get angry. It is okay to say no. It is not my job to take responsibility for others. I do not have to anticipate the needs of others. It is my job to make me happy. Nobody has to agree with me. I have a right to my own feelings. I am enough.” Unknown As I sat on the window seat looking across the lake on November 5, 2023, John came to mind, and I remembered he had said apologies weren’t necessary. We had forgiven each other for a lot of things, but it made me wonder what he meant by that. It was yet another question I had back then, but never had the courage to ask. In case I disagreed with him, I had felt it was just better not to know and assume I understood. It never occurred to me that by not asking direct questions, not expressing my feelings verbally , I wasn’t even being as vulnerable as he was. And I decided right then, it was time to get vulnerable. He may not want to talk to me, but I needed to apologize verbally. I needed to say the words out loud. I needed to be brave and say everything that was in my heart, so I decided I would record a video and just say it all. Maybe the message would get through to him, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe he would watch, maybe he wouldn’t . I couldn’t control his end of things, but I could control finally saying all the words out loud. And if I cried, I cried. If I stumbled, I stumbled. But I would record one video and just send it, not watch it first to pick it apart, but just talk to the man who was still in my heart. Maybe it would help me let go, maybe it wouldn’t. But I would be brave, nonetheless. (When I recorded videos, it never entered my mind I would share them beyond the intended recipient. But as I was finalizing the book, it occurred to me that it might be helpful for readers to see me visually working through these thoughts and feelings as I had them at that time. Just like including the previous writing that I did in this book to most accurately share my thoughts and feelings from those time periods, the videos provide an opportunity for readers to actually see the emotion I write about along with the increased ease in my verbal expression with each video recorded.) In the video you may have noticed it was painfully slow as I said the words…I…am…sorry. Each word was said very deliberately. I would like to say it was for emphasis, but it wasn’t. Why did I hesitate; drag it out? After all three words had been uttered, there was an immediate sense of relief. But why were those three little words, only eight total letters, so hard to say? As I was counting to be sure how many letters there were, perhaps on my hand, ( hey I’m not even trying to be perfect anymore , just honest), it occurred to me that the other three word phrase we discussed in Section IV, Chapter 9 also has eight letters. In case you want to check my math, I’ll make it easy and list them below. 11 5 23 edited 1 (youtube.com) “If you have an abandonment wound, sometimes you can be in so much fear of being abandoned that it causes you to abandon your own thoughts, opinions, boundaries and needs often driving people away.” Nabill Zafir

Eight letter phrases: I love you. I am sorry.

I think it was hard to say for a variety of reasons. There were so many things to apologize for. I was so ashamed. I t’s hard to admit that I was wrong about so much. I t’s hard to acknowledge I was hurtful with my words. I was scared it would be the last thing I ’ d say to him. And there was a part of me that really didn’t want it to be goodbye. Those two short phrases, I love you and I am sorry, maybe they have the commonality of eight letters because they are supposed to go together. For the sentiment to be believed, maybe both need to roll off the tongue as easily as the other. The song sung by P!nk and Chris Stapleton tells the story beautifully.

P!nk & Chris Stapleton - Just Say I'm Sorry (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

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