Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 9 — The Power of Apologies

“Each day, you’ll feel a little better and you’ll let go a little more. Be patient and give your heart a chance to move on and heal.” Writingtoinspire

It had been at least five months since I had heard anything from John. I hadn’t reached out much myself , assuming he had blocked all my communication anyway. I sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday in late summer and later this realization.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Mon, Oct 2, 2023 at 8:37 AM

You were right not to be interested in what I had to say. Someone recently pointed out some of my blind spots and I saw the painful truth about myself. I am sorry for everything I said thinking I had any clue about what was in your heart or mind. I can’t im agine all the ways I hurt you and I am truly so very sorry.

I was wrong to want you to change, thinking then we could have a healthy relationship instead of accepting reality. It was selfish and I was hurtful.

Even if you didn’t need to hear it, I needed to humble myself and have the courage to admit to you how wrong I was. I hope someday you will be able to forgive me in your heart for you even if I never know.

I hope you receive this and if so, thank you for reading and for all the lessons even if I took too long to learn some of them and hurt you in the process.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” Audrey Kitching In the coming weeks, I became aware of so many other things John had been right about . I didn’t trust him like I thought I did. I wanted to, I did the best I could at the time…but in reality, he was correct, I didn’t trust. I was defensive when he gave me feedback. I didn’t listen to understand. I simply disregarded his attempt to help me. I was unwilling and unable at that time to accept it. He was more aware of my struggles than I was and instead of learning what I could from him, I pushed away the person I most wanted in my life. And I had a painful but necessary experience seeing how I did lash out in writing, how I am not a good communicator when I feel scared. I took step one with that email, humbling myself and acknowledging how wrong I was to have sent him my thoughts on his behavior all those years. I was unwilling to see how my comments were really about my own behaviors and fears. That was really hard, but necessary for me to acknowledge. I used to think it was so unkind of him not to acknowledge what I sent…now I know the restraint he showed in NOT responding was the kindest thing he could have possibly done. I really admire him for not reacting and showing me such extreme grace. I wanted to be wrapped up with everything. I wanted to think I was better enough so I could move on. But life never stops being hard no matter how much we learn and grow. I like things to be neat and tidy. That’s why I tried to “end” the non -relationship relationship with John so many times. It hadn’t officially started but I at least wanted an ending…even though that was really the last thing I wanted. I wanted more, but I couldn’t yet give more or receive more. I accept now I do not have that kind of control over anyone except myself, but I do have the choice to figure it out one day at a time and make my life the very best it can be for me. I had n’t ever wanted to hide anything from John , I just didn’t realize how much of myself and my thoughts and my life I hid. I was counting on him or some man to make me feel loved enough, secure enough, comforted enough to undo the terror and shame others brought into my life and the self-hatred that resulted from those experiences.

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