Brave Enough To Be Bliss

"Imagine you are walking in the woods, and you see a small dog sitting by a tree. As you approach it, it suddenly lunges at you, teeth bared. You are frightened and angry. But then you notice that one of its legs is caught in a trap. Immediately your mood shifts from anger to concern: You see that the dog's aggression is coming from a place of vulnerability and pain. This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful ways, it is because we are caught in some kind of trap. The more we look through the eyes of wisdom at ourselves and one another, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart." Tara Brach

Ginger drew a box on the whiteboard and asked me questions about how I felt in the situation, and then wrote these things on the board.

Badass CEO Ginger Woman who can protect herself

“You are okay” Calm, Rational

“Threat” Afraid

“Listen” Kind Loving

You won’t control me

TILT! Uncertainty Tone

Just want love and fun

Be Quiet

We first uncovered that the tone of voice for both the pastor and Nathan when I tried to open the discussion was of an adamant man which makes me feel he is trying to control me, leading me to view him as a threat and someone to be afraid of. And when I ’ m afraid, my behaviors become equally controlling as I seek to protect myself. In the past, I would have immediately shut down and been quiet, not saying anything, just wanting it all to go away. So, there was a part of me that was actually sort of proud of myself for not doing that. While still not helpful behavior, it was at least behavior that was different and did stay in the conflict even if I had initially delayed it. It felt a little bit like progress to me, but I can’t recall if I mentioned that to Ginger at the time or not . It also made me think of John. I imagined if I had behaved that way with him, he probably would have been proud of me and started laughing a little bit but in a kind way, saying, “Look at you, GB. I’m glad you’re talking . ” Then he would have walked over and given me a Vasani hug and said, “OK, go ahead, keep talking. ” And I imagined him sitting there smiling at me, glad I finally had the courage to speak even if I was off base. That wouldn’t have mattered as much to him as the fact I was finally getting in the “fight,” so to speak. And from there we could have had a calm, rational discussion because he would have reminded my brain and my body, he wasn’t actually a threat so my nervous system would have calm ed down and reminded me I was safe because he had displayed kind and loving behavior. Now that I write all that, though, I wonder if part of the issue was that he was afraid he would be that adamant man, even if he wouldn’t have described it that way . If he knew that would shut me down, so instead of talking to me, he ran away not wanting to hurt me by becoming angry when I wouldn’t talk. Makes me wonder… but then there are so many things I wonder about. I have the knowledge he discussed some feelings for me the night I thought he was going to tell me he was engaged , but I don’t remember specifics which is rare for me. I still wonder what happened that night in my brain. If only I could remember what he said, if only I had those words in my heart, maybe that would help me plug up the hole in my life that remains without him. Of course, like everything with him, it was the worst possible timing for my brain to shut down when the details would have been good ones. And I’m wondering if perhaps after all this time, I’m only just figuring out what he told me two years ago.

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