Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Nathan also struggled with his relationships with his sons and seemed unwilling to compromise. He insisted on calling and never communicating by text. I don’t know too many kids in their early 20s who want to talk on the phone, it’s just not realistic with jobs and friends. His unwillingness to compromise and text seemed to be pushing them further away, which of course is not what he wanted. I asked something like, “Couldn’t you just text sometimes, then they might be more willing to talk on the phone when it is a convenient time for them to do so?” He said, this is how I communicate. Relationships require give and take, so it seemed he was unwilling to have a healthy relationship with them, but often got frustrated when they wouldn’t answer his call. These were all things that led me to have concern he could ever work in an office environment. All of these things were such good learning opportunities for me, though, and the good thing was that while I liked him as a person, it wasn’t like I was having a relationship with him or feelings for him like I still had for John. I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for John, but I also was getting honest with myself that I really couldn’t have a relationship with anyone while I still had these feelings for him. That realization helped me keep things in perspective and focus on the lessons I could learn from these situations. Nathan’s focus on lying also led me to really delve into my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It was a good thing to check myself on because even though I had gotten so much more honest, there was still a tendency to not say what I wanted. Kylee and I still struggled to pick where to eat, neither of us saying what we wanted. This had been an ongoing battle, with neither of us just selecting . It’s not like we were ever upset, it’s just that neither of us would say what we wanted. Maybe that ’ s not exactly lying, but it ’ s withholding, and I didn’t want to do that anymore with anyone. If I truly had no opinion whatsoever that’s fine, but if I wanted something but was afraid she wouldn’t, that’s not being forthcoming, and I needed to get better about that and figure out why I hesitated. And I realized that before I could trust anyone else fully, I had to be able to trust myself fully. I had made progress, but it was time to move it to the next level and that was going to take honest communication with everyone in my life about my wants and needs, because mine mattered as much as theirs. I started by talking with Kylee about my global motility disorder that had been identified about a year earlier. It was such a relief knowing there was a real physical reason why I often didn’t feel hungry when it seemed like I should. There were times I still would eat with her feeling like I should, but then ending up miserable after, even if I hadn’t eaten that much. But my stomach doesn ’ t empty in the timeframe most people’s do . I just need to communicate that so people close to me understand and I can let it go in my mind as anything I need to feel badly about or responsible for. I just need to eat when I’m hungry and politely decline when I’m not hungry. It was a small step, but a step, and of course she completely understood. I t hasn’t been an issue at all , and often she will ask if I’m hungry even reminding me to feel free to say no if I’m not , because there’s no reason for me to be uncomfortable . People generally help us when we help ourselves, I’ve learned.

“ Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom. ” Phyllis Theroux

When reflecting on the disagreement with Nathan, I was frustrated with myself because I reacted and engaged instead of staying calm. He was reacting, so if we both did that, we weren’t going to get anywhere. He felt attacked and I didn’t feel heard. Ginger said we would map out a conflict plan that I could use for when these types of situations arise. First of all, though, she reminded me of the dog in a trap analogy so I could enter into the discussion from a place of self compassion vs. frustration. I am the dog in this analogy, and having a name like Ginger, I’m pretty used to be ing referred to that way, so it worked. And some days when I see how Cooper and Maverick live, I’m thinking that’s not such a bad gig really.

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