Brave Enough To Be Bliss

August 25, 1993 I hate it when you are not with me. I’m so scared that now that I have found real love with the most wonderful man alive- something will happen to separate us. I love you more than I ever thought was possible. Please don’t ever leave me. I don’t think I could go on without you. I love the way you love me, please don’t stop. September 10, 1993 … I am just trying to do the right thing and be supportive and encouraging without making you feel pressured to do something or not do something because you think it’s what I want….You make me smile when I am feeling sad, you make me laugh when I want to cry. You are what encourages me to live each day to its fullest. September 17, 1993 I am so tired of not feeling well. But it helps so much to have you with me. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m being a baby, but my head really hurts that badly. I can take any other pain fairly well, but nothing else has ever been so intense that I can’t sta nd it. Thank you for being patient. When you touch me and hold me and tell me you love me, it really helps me feel better. Otherwise, I feel alone and like you’re mad at me because I don’t feel well, and I feel even worse. Thank you for agreeing to take all of me. When you said last night that when you asked me to marry you, you had agreed to take the good and the bad with me for the rest of our lives, that’s such a good feeling knowing that we’ll always be there for each other whatever the circumstances. I never want to be without you. October 4, 1993 How can I ever express to you how deeply I love you? ... I know there will be times ahead that will test our love and our trust in our future together- but I’m counting on our love to see us through whatever lies ahead. As long as you continue to love me as much as you do today and treat me with respect, I promise I will do the same. October 30, 1993 “I don’t know why we have been arguing lately. The biggest thing about work is, I thought you were proud of me and respected how hard I try to work. I will not put work before you ever, but I still want to feel good about myself on the professional level. I don’t want to give that up. I worked too hard to be confident and feel I was good at something. And when you say things like something I do at work is stupid or not worthwhile, it really hurts me and chips away at my self- esteem. I know you don’t mean it that way, but that’s how I feel. I want you to be proud that I have interests and beliefs of my own and I strive to be good at whatever it is I’m doing. I want to be best at being your wife and eventually best at being a mother to your children, but for now please help me feel good about myself outside our home, too. You will always be most important, but I’m not ready to give up being good at a job yet. I thank you for loving me despite my faults and those times I frustrate you. Sometimes it’s so hard to explain how I feel to you. I always try, but please be patient with me those times when I’m difficult to follow.” Before you leap to any conclusions that he’s a male chauvinist (he’s not), my guess is what probably happened was that I said I’d be done at work at a certain time and then wasn’t. Since I also mentioned being late in August, likely it was an understandably frustrating pattern of behavior on my part, saying I would be home at a certain time trying to please him even if I knew it was unrealistic, then being late and not letting him know. On this night, it’s likely he finally expressed frustration. Instead of listening to what he said, asking any questions and looking at it from his point of view, I likely already felt guilty and knowing he was frustrated from the tone of voice, I shifted the conversation by questioning his respect for me instead of taking responsibility for my own behavior, apologizing and seeking a real solution. I remember it was a hard adjustment for me to have someone expecting me to come home at a particular time. When he asked me what time I was leaving work, I would give an estimate knowing it was n’t realistic. I could never please someone else and myself at the same time. And since I didn’t know how to accept feedback or have real conversations that involved conflict, it wasn’t uncommon for me to shift blame and blow things out of proportion.

“Perfectionism is a self -destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brené Brown

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