Brave Enough To Be Bliss

At the time, I believed everything I did had to be as perfect as possible so I would often pore over things at work trying to ensure I hadn’t done anything wrong . Heaven forbid I make a mistake, forget something, or fail to improve on something that could be done more effectively or efficiently. Throughout my career I only had one boss who wasn’t very kind, but even she couldn’t hold a candle to the verbal abuse I wo uld spew at myself under my breath and in my mind if I made a mistake. Anyone else could make a mistake and I would understand completely, but not me. In my mind, being perfect was the chance to be loved, and without it, I felt there was no hope. And where there is no hope for love, there might as well be death. November 5, 1993 Honey, are you sure you can put up with a lifetime of migraines? I hope you don’t have to, but what if I continue to have these? I get so depressed when I have them. It just doesn’t seem right. Why doesn’t the medication even work? I’m so sorry. I guess at least you’re in Kansas City, so you don’t have to put up with me. Although it always helps me feel better to have you here. I just need to feel you near me. It helps me calm. I didn’t add a word in that last sentence even though it seems like one is missing. I left it that way because that’s exactly what I wrote and it caught my attention because I can’t remember when I wasn’t calm, at least on the outside. I think I wrote it that way because knowing someone was there when I was in such intense pain, not being completely alone, that helped me calm myself on the inside. And when my mind felt calm, the throbbing wasn’t quite as intense, and I could have a chance at resting even if the pain was too intense for the possibility of sleep. Before weddings and children, people tend to tell you horror stories, and I remember hearing about someone who threw up during her wedding ceremony. As our wedding approached, I became very fearful he was going to drink too much alcohol the night before the ceremony . He hadn’t drunk too much and thrown up ever around me, so I ’ m unsure why it became a big deal in my mind. Throwing up was something I just couldn’t handle being around. No one likes it, of course, but this was an intense aversion. I simply couldn’t deal with it, I had to get away from it. I had already talked to him and made sure if we had kids, he would handle any nausea and I would take care of all other illnesses in exchange. (As you can imagine, he wasn’t always there at the right time, so I did learn to deal with it as a parent.) November 26, 1993 This is a time when our family and friends all want to pull us in different directions, but we have to remember this day is ours. I am thrilled they are all here to join us in our celebration, but we are the most important thing. … When I take you as my husband tomorrow my promises are for life. I will always love you. … As long as we abide by our vows, believe in each other, and stick together no matter what trials may come our way, we will make it. I fully intend to be happy for a lifetime with you at my side. And if I didn’t believe you felt the same, I wouldn’t be marrying you. I trust you with the rest of my life. I have full faith in you and us. I did also verbally tell him as I gave him the “gift” that I didn’t want him to get drunk that night and he agreed he wouldn’t. In addition to not wanting him to feel sick, I think I also wanted him to “prove” to me I could trust him. There were several pretty minor things that I felt he had been untruthful about. Of course, I didn’t bring those things up and discuss them, I just lost trust and felt disrespected that he would think I was too stupid to even know he had lied. I have no idea if he actually lied or not, but even if I only made it up in my mind, it felt very real. So, I think not wanting him to drink that night was a test so I could convince myself it was safe to get married. The night before our wedding I gave him the “gift” of the journal and told him he didn’t need to read any of it right away except the last entry from that day. Among other things, I wrote this.

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