Brave Enough To Be Bliss

May 26, 1993 When you’re gone, it’s as though a part of me is missing. I think of something I want to tell you, but you’re not here. I reach out in bed to touch you, but you’re not there. I am so glad I have this ring on my finger. It is a constant and ever-present reminder that you are always with me. Your love has changed me into a much stronger and giving person. I don’t know why I just thought of this, but I want you to know that someday down the road I want more than anything to share the experience of having a bab y with you. The only reason I’ve been negative about the thought sometimes is I will have to be sure we will always be there together for the child. I vowed to myself I would never put a child through what my parents did. They did the best they could, but it’s never fair to the children. They are the ones who get hurt for the longest period of time. The parents can go on with their lives. They can marry again, have more children, develop a new family-but the children of divorced parents will never have a family like they did. There are times when it is for the best if there is abuse, etc.- but it’s never fair to the innocent child and I cannot be a part of that. Don’t think for a minute that I think that would happen to us, because I wouldn’t be marrying you if I did. The thought of bringing life into this world is a beautiful thing and one I want to experience with you. I know you will make a wonderful father-but I want us to have years to look back on that was “our” time, then it can be “our family” time. I love you too much to miss out on anything. I believe with all that I am that you and I will be committed enough to make our marriage the best ever. Please just keep loving me and I promise I’ll love you until the end of time. I feel we both agree with constant work and care, we’ll stay together forever. While the song linked below wasn’t released until 2005, it helps describe how I felt in 1993. I didn’t realize at the time that by not sharing the scars from my parents ’ divorce with my future husband and a therapist, I was setting myself up to repeat their mistakes. May 28, 1993 …I’ve got to start exercising again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone so long without doing something. I feel horrible and I look about as bad. I hope you love me so much you haven’t noticed. But I have to get back into a routine. I know I’d feel so much better…. June 3, 1993 …I unpacked to try to keep from being lonely, etc. I think it looks pretty good - I hope you do, too. I’m waiting until you get home so we can decide where to hang things together. Also, that way it’s “our” fault if something isn’t straight, etc., not just m ine… June 10, 1993 …You have asked me what is wrong several times today and I really haven’t been able to give you an answer. I just don’t feel very good about myself. I have got to lose weight, but each day I just keep eating and eating and not exercising. The worse I feel, the more I eat. That’s the way I have always been, and I make myself sick. I am happier than I ever have been. I have you in my life and I still just don’t feel right. I hate my clothes because I look so fat -but I can’t expect clothes to hide that. I hate going to work some days because I feel like I look so awful. I know I shouldn’t care so much about appearances, but when it comes to mine - I can’t help it. I feel like pretty soon you won’t be attracted to me anymore. And I have been taking things you’ve said probably a way you don’t mean them just because that is how I feel. I know I won’t feel this way forever. I just need to start exercising, but it’s so hard when I want to be with you whenever I am home. I love you so much and I just want you to think I ’m somewhat attractive. I want you to be proud to walk down the street with me. It’s for you that I want more out of me. I wish I could explain it better so you could understand, but I don’t think I can. I just have to work this out on my own.” June 11, 1993 We had a good time in Kansas City last night and you made me feel better. I hate it when I can’t snap out of a sad mood. I still hate my body, but I know what I have to do. You start football practice on Sunday, so that will give me a good chance to start a routine. But I’ll just have to stick with it after you come home. I’m sorry for worrying Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

32