Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 8 — Perfectly Petrified

"If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.” Tim Kreider

Even though it felt good to have someone say, “I love you,” and to think he wanted to marry me, deep down, I just couldn’t believe it. I already knew I was unlovable, he just hadn’t figured it out yet. But he would eventually, and when he did, it would end. But I had said yes to getting married, so I proceeded to try to be a perfect fiancée and then to be a perfect wife, so he wouldn’t find out anytime soon. Instead of renewing two apartment leases in August, we moved into an apartment together. There were many adjustments in learning to live with someone, because I was used to being alone. I hadn’t shared a room with anyone since I was four years old. I had some concerns and fears, but I didn’t talk about them. Like all my feelings, I just kept them inside. That is, with the exception of a journal I kept while we were engaged and gave to him the night before we got married. Inside the cover I wrote, “I wanted to give you something of myself; something to show you how much a part of me you really are.” I will share excerpts to give you a very real sense of how my brain worked…or didn’t, depending on how you look at it. Reading it now feels embarrassing, but mostly just saddening to think my brain really functioned that way. Toward the end of this book, you’ll be able to watch the video I sent to him where I apologized for many things you’ll come to learn about, including thinking this journal was any kind of gift. In my memory it was quite different than the reality of the words I read today. Like all armchair quarterbacks, I can now see so clearly there were issues before we were even married including my inability to communicate and mixed-up ways of thinking about myself and relationships. I don’t know if he ever read the journal or not, but my guess is he didn’t , or not very much of it anyway. If he had started to read it, I sure wouldn’t have continued if I were him. I’m the author and I don’t want to read it. I remember putting it into a cedar chest he gave me the first year we were married, and there it sat for decades. I wouldn’t have ever thought about it except my daughter was cleaning out the cedar chest that I had passed along to her and asked if I wanted it. Sharing excerpts is the best way to accurately capture the thoughts, feelings, and experiences from that time period. May 22, 1993 Tonight, I need my strength renewed- both physically and mentally. This makes the fifth straight night I’ve been away from you-possibly the longest time period since December 19, 1992. Today I moved out of your apartment your things out of your apartment, m ore precisely. Anyway, I will be so glad when we’re both living in our new apartment. I know by the time you read this; an apology won’t mean much - but I apologize anyway. I don’t know exactly why I have been so upset this time you’re away. I guess maybe th e more time passes, I realize how very deeply I love you. My life has changed so much in the past five months, but all in wonderful ways. I’m still learning, however, how to be this close to someone. I hope you will continue to be patient with me. I know at times I can be difficult, but I’m trying. I’m hoping after we’re moved, we’ll both feel a bit more settled. And maybe it will help me realize you aren’t going anywhere. My heart already knows you aren’t, but my head sometimes tries to tell me to be more practical or realistic. I’ve always had the bad habit of believing the worst so I’m not disappointed in the end. But I have to start believing things don’t always have to end badly or sadly. I promise I’m trying; I am just trying to undo a lot of years of negative thinking. But you have shown me that I deserve to be happy and be loved. And you, my dear, deserve the same. And I’m going to spend my lifetime making you happy! Doing my best anyway! “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it .” Fr. Richard Rohr

31