Brave Enough To Be Bliss

he can’t kiss me on the lips because he is in a hurry and can’t risk getting aroused. Anything like this would help calm my body/nervous system and would be a reminder of his love and care that will remain with me even when he is not physically present. Ultimately, though, it is up to me to utilize strategies to self-regulate and self soothe in order to calm my nervous system when I am triggered. Everything I think in those panicked moments I need from John; I can give myself, the first of which is self-compassion for being scared. When I do this one thing, it will interrupt my brain and help stop me from acting in ways that don’t build trust with John which is what I am seeking. I can admit that I desire to share my life with John continuing to learn and grow and have the healthiest relationship possible with him. I am ready for him to know the real me, imperfections, and all, trusting that his love is deep enough I can reveal all of me and still be loved. I would like to be his wife and I want him to be Kylee and Will’s stepdad. I can see him holding their future babies in his arms with tears streaming down his cheeks and that vision brings me such great joy. If that dream doesn’t come to be, then I still know I’ll be ok but it’s better to have shared it because at least I will know I made it clear to him. I will not run away from him by trying to protect myself from possible pain because the risk of pain is not as great as the risk of never getting all I want because I was too scared to admit it to him. I will not repeat mistakes from the past. I will trust him to know my hopes and dreams even if they do not come true. I will not hold back sharing my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, emotions or preferences about anything because I am afraid of what he will think, how he will respond or remembering a comment he made five years ago that leads me to think I will know how he will react today. I will not shy away from disagreements. It is normal and healthy in a relationship to disagree from time to time. I will trust that we will continue to work it out in the future, and I can look to the past as proof since we have never let each other go. It would help if John and I could have a word/phrase so when we start to exhibit familiar behaviors or any behaviors that are incongruent with our hearts, we can gently lead each other back to ourselves understanding our behaviors are not a reflection of the other but rather our own fears that we need to work through individually before we can work through them together. I understand and appreciate that he has shown me unconditional love for years in ways that I did not recognize at the time. I am only able to control myself and my behaviors, but I will not hold back telling him how his behaviors affect me because I now understand I can love him unconditionally AND also hold him accountable for being a good partner.

Through these and other things I haven’t learned yet, trust will be built within myself and him as I remain in the present mo ment enjoying the journey.

John, I saved this song when I lived in the apartment in Overland Park you came to a couple times. Then giving someone all of me would have meant my happiness rested with them. I wanted someone to save me. But since, I’ve saved myself. I want to start fresh by giving you all of me but in the sense that I want to share all of me, not hold anything back, conquer the fears that hurt us, but I know I am still responsible for my happiness. I’m good with who I am now, and I just hope to have the chance to share a ll of me with you. I have lots of pleasant surprises in store for you if you choose to get to know me as I am now. Let’s have some fun with this life we have left! ❤️

Matt Hammitt - All of Me (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

John quickly responded with this … This is all good stuff but on a much higher level than where I am right now. From just coming out of something, her persistence, my overall lack of trust…I could go on and on. I’m sorry to be where I am and maybe one day I’ll get to a better place. I know what’s right for me and right now it’s engaging in the moment. Looking forward to lots of upcoming trips. On Thursday, October 6, 2022, 4:35 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: Thank you for responding. I'm still glad I did the brave thing for me, so I can move forward without any lingering doubts in my mind. I will always want the very best for you as I know you do for me. If you ever want to catch up in the future, I would be happy to meet you out somewhere, but we just have to allow two weeks ago to have been where that pattern stops. And thank goodness I finally had a no sex boundary, or this would feel worse. It's interesting how it took me having sex with someone I didn't love, liked but not loved, to learn how to be completely comfortable in my own skin and then once I was, it wasn't hard to say no because I cared more about doing the right thing for me than you. It just occurred to me as I write this, that's when I finally took my power back. Not the power to say yes or no to sex, but rather the power to decide the forced sex years ago would no longer determine how I felt about myself and my body. And since I could truly value myself after that realization, I could then make a decision that wasn't tied to not disappointing you in order to try to feel loved. Since I honestly don't remember many specifics of what you said that night, I figured there was a chance I misunderstood your intent. Regardless, it's freeing to have real clarity for the first time in our situationship. (I ran across a good term for it a few months ago.)

( Author’s note: The situationship definition I saw on Instagram said something like , “Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused about the fact that we are n’ t together, but have official feelings for each other.”)

293