Brave Enough To Be Bliss

could remember everything you said, but unfortunately, I was in such shock you were even here and then that you were actually talking about us, I was unable to think straight and put anything in my memory because I was just trying to take it all in and comprehend what you were saying. I was very confused. I really believed you were going to marry her. In the months since your last visit and especially when I saw the vacation photo with her, I had spent time really checking myself to ensure I would be ok when I found out you had proposed, believing that was going to happen. When you asked to come over, I had quickly tried to prepare myself that you were likely coming over to tell me personally you were getting married, so I didn’t read about it on Facebook. Two things just hit me… 1. I was shocked and didn’t know what to expect, and when caught off guard, especially personally, my body/brain still tends to freeze or I escape in my mind for survival. 2. I am always prepared for crisis. I can think quickly, come up with strategies and processes to minimize errors, risk, and loss. That’s been my professional life all these years. I have never had someone, especially a man, surprise me in such a positive, wonderful, happy way. No matter how hard I have worked to understand my behaviors, where they come from and replace them with new, healthy ones…I hadn’t experienced anything really good like that yet, so I didn’t have any practice with receiving such goodness. John , when I behave in ways that are not congruent with my heart for you or don’t feel loving to you, I hope and pray you understand and know for certain it is always about me. Not you. You did SO good and I have hoped and dreamed of that type of conversation with you. I wish I processed faster so I could have caught myself as soon as I was feeling guarded, told you in the moment I needed to slow down and just think and talk and ask questions and share what was going through my mind right then because I was confused and feeling overwhelmed. Right then though I wasn’t even aware, I was just trying to believe you were really with me, were talking about us and I just wanted to stay in the moment to enjoy being with you. I can’t change the past unfortunately, but I will do better in the future. Ginger Bliss Yes, I can come on that day, and it’s good timing. After all my good feelings the Friday I saw you, by Saturday I was fully in my head and having all the doubts and fears that I used to. He said everything I had wanted to hear, and it still wasn’t enough to calm my fears after he was not there with me. I got all twisted up. I know better intellectually, and I tried to keep calm. But when I do that then I still overthink and end up trying to control, analyze, etc. I did the exact same stuff I always used to do like I have learned nothi ng. I tried to stop my thinking and for short time periods I could, but it didn’t last. It’s awful and I truly do know better , Ginger and I went through this with him for years, but it’s like no matter what he does or doesn’t do, I just mess it up by eithe r not expressing my thoughts and feelings or by being controlling. I know it’s just fear, and I know better than to let it control me and I can make better decisions, but in those moments, I just don’t. I thought I would be ok this time, with him actually having expressed his feelings, but I’m so not. Andrea I understand completely. It’s so hard to trust and healing is not linear. Fear still slips in no matter what was said to prov e his love. We can work on this. I know it’s frustrating but try to have compassion for those parts of you that are trying to protect you and are scared. Offe r them love and grace and try to come towards yourself with understanding. Our amygdala hijacks us, but we have to try to come back with truth. Maybe make a list of the truths and what he said to feed your brain with the good stuff. So, after a week of processing, it finally makes sense to me why I reacted like I did. That night I froze (you even commented on my shoulders, remember?) and the following days I strategized. Does that make sense where you can understand I’m not untrustworthy, I’m just a human who is still unlearning behaviors and thinking that don’t serve me well? Responding to Andrea Arlotti who communicated an available date for me to come in for an appointment, following is our conversation from Monday, October 3, 2022.

The more consistency created between the two of you the more your body will rest into safety. Also, try to stay in the moment as much as you can. We never know what tomorrow brings so don’t let the fear take the joy away ♥️ I’m here to support you.

And I know it’s not easy ছ

Ginger Bliss Thank you. I appreciate that guidance. I’m sure I’ll be reading it multiple times. I’ll look forward to seeing you Wednesda y.

Andrea Try to move into unconditional love no matter what so you can shine your beautiful light and be your authentic self.

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