Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Oh, and confidentially, in the next couple weeks I’m going to be talking/dreaming with Ginger about possibly becoming her first Compassion Fix trained coach. I’m telling you because I feel like it’s the kind of thing you would tell me to go after. I didn’t appreciate how much you believed in my abilities back then, but I do now. So, you’ll be helping people and maybe I’ll be helping people like we used to be, the ones who think their fuckedupedness is a life sentence when in reality it is just the result of hard parts of life that can be recognized, understood and overcome.

Why People Go to Silence and How to Help Them Open Up | Crucial Learning

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Fri, Sep 23, 2022 at 12:42 PM

Morning! Hope you’re not dragging too much, or even if you are that you still feel I’m worth it like you said last night. Hea ded into an appt where I’m learning to breathe deeply then Physical Therapy and then lunch with a friend but wanted to say thank you for giving me so much last night. I enjoyed every word and action.

I believe there must have been some text messages in between these two emails from the sound of this next message.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Sun, Sep 25, 2022 at 9:28 PM Hi, John. I am very sorry. I f***** up. The last two days I’ve been expressing my thoughts, where control arises, instead of expressing my feelings of fear. When you leave the way you do, I feel alone and scared not knowing if or when I will see or hear from you again. Maybe you need space from the emotions after being with me, but instead of you saying that or me asking, you leave and then I inevitably come in with more of my overwhelming emotion and likely I push you even further away. And I don’t know even after all these years if you would contact me or would come back if I didn’t piss you off first. So maybe I unknowingly keep doing what I do because at le ast then I know what to expect. The unexpected scares the shit out of me and because you have never had any commitment to me in any way, nothing ever feels secure, like I can count on you. It feels like you come in hot and leave ice cold, and I feel so very happy in your presence and then just as quickly, I feel completely and utterly alone. And I freak the f*** out and I just want you to assure me of something, anything. That I didn’t make a mistake, that your feelings for me are as true the next morning as they were the night before, that you will talk to me or see me again soon. That you are with me, even if you need space. I had finally learned to live without you and then when I saw you all the feelings were still there. You were so open with me that night and it was so very good to be with you again. I really believed it could be different this time, but then your exit felt the same. All those old feelings and fears came into my mind, and I made up in my mind that you were perhaps thinking if I still worked there or still had certain friends you wouldn’t be able to be with me, so I tried to fix that and then I just spiraled from there. And then you said people were dead to you and that’s how I felt after you left two years ago and I got scared you would do that again and so I desperately tried to help that, but likely I hurt you and all I can say is I am sorry. Please forgiv e me and don’t give up on me. I am a work in progress just like you, but I care so very much for you and would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I know your heart trusts that, so please try to allow your mind to again. If we could stop letting our minds full of fear direct our behavior with each other, we could be so good. Maybe we just need to have the courage to tell each other our biggest fears, rip off the band aid that holds us back from joy instead of keeping us safe like we think it does. You are so smart; you know me so well. I need you and I want you in my life. We can help each other figure out how to do this better if we will just talk. When we worked at home, it was the best because we had all that time together. I felt secure as we shared meals, seeing your coffee cup and other things there, sitting close together even if not touching just being in your presence, and knowing when I would see you next. Those are my best memories. I felt you with me even when you weren’t there.

He did respond and said there wasn’t any need for apologies , forgiveness and I didn’t f*** up.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John

Sun, Oct 2, 2022 at 8:04 PM Think I figured it out finally…

Even in the short time you were here, I can now see how much you have grown to be able to share some of your feelings about me and to have reflected on our relationship. I wish I could have responded exactly the way you wanted and needed me to. I wish I

290