Brave Enough To Be Bliss

it was mainly texts and I got myself all tangled up, not realizing what I was thinking or saying. I explained how I process through writing and that's a dangerous thing to do with someone who barely knows me. I explained how I was excited to be able to hang out with him those two nights and just have a great time, but how I thought I was "cured" and all would be well for me moving forward with men and I could be lighthearted, fun, and just live life as it comes and goes. But then how when we were texting, my brain got back into its old habits without me even realizing it and then with my sharing of deep thoughts about life I unknowingly and unintentionally scared the shit out of him. And then when I'd get the sense that I had said something wrong, I would swing too far the other direction trying to make up for whatever I must have said without really understanding what it was at the time which probably made me seem even more crazy. I told him I had enjoyed meeting him and wished him well, then after hitting send, I proceeded to type these words into my phone for me. Just like God doesn’t protect us from pain, neither does knowing and liking who we are protect us from the sting of disappointment when someone else doesn’t. That is life. And life is hard. So, cry a little. Drink a little. Hurt a little. Sleep a little. And then wake up knowing who you are and get up and be grateful that no matter who can’t rejoice in your goodness, you finally can, knowing life may be hard, but life can also be very good.

I could see I had made improvements in many areas of my life, but deep down, I was still scared I would never be able to change my automatic thinking and behaviors with men.

“Your brain craves familiar. And, your brain is always making predictions. So, when you change your life (leave an abusive relationship, start therapy, set new relational boundaries, etc), your brain might revolt (discomfort rumination, anxiety). This happens. But, this doesn’t mean quit. New thoughts and new actions soon become the new familiar, and your brain changes with you.” John Delony

Resources ▪ Practices for Embodied Living - Hillary L McBride ▪ 17 Best Parts About Getting Older - That Nobody Talks About - Wealthy Nickel

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