Brave Enough To Be Bliss

preferred Tuesdays; I always knew there would be a table available. I hadn’t really thought of that when I said to meet there, and I was regretting it. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I tacked on to the end something about , unless he was already with the prettiest girl in the place. He didn’t respond, so shortly after I sent it, I knew I had messed up. I stood in the bathroom for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do, and then I decided, I’m just going to be honest and sent him a message saying, I didn’t know why I said that, but I was sorry, and I was really just nervous about walking in by myself. He responded right away and said he would save me a seat. Whew, I was relieved and didn’t beat myself up, but rather wa s pleased with myself that I was simply honest and vulnerable saying I was scared. It was a good time as always at The Phoenix and then we went to listen to a band somewhere else. He again took me back to The Phoenix, kissed me goodnight and that was that.

Mainly I rested on Sunday from the big week of activity, but that evening I called Chance and we chatted for a while. He seemed very nice, but it didn’t feel like there was going to be much we had in common.

I was dumbfounded. One man to approach me in 10 years. Then three in one week. Never would I have thought it was possible. And that is why it will forever be referred to as the one and only Birthday Week.

“Healing isn’t merely a product of time passing, but rather the result of the active effort and work you put into your recovery and well- being.” R.M. Drake

From: Ginger Bliss To: Allen Tue, Mar 8, 2022 at 7:43 AM And upon further reflection, I probably wrote this with a tone of goodbye because that’s what I feared. I don’t have any expectations, but I do “hope” to continue to talk and see you again sometime if it works out in your understandably very busy life. I may be a work in progress, but at least I’m an honest one when I figure it out. Chance called a couple times and then a few weeks later, we met for a drink, but it just wasn’t a fit even for friendship. I could tell it had taken a lot of courage for him to introduce himself to me, so I told him it was great he did that and definitely should continue to reach out to people. It felt awful, but the honesty felt good too since the old me would have lied to make it easier for me even though I would have told myself it was so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. Mack had asked me to have dinner, but it was postponed due to snow. So much for my tanning to get my legs spring ready. And it was as if the snow also blew in my old fears and insecurity, even though he had specifically said the day before that he didn’t drive in snow and if it did snow as they were predicting, he would need to reschedule. The voices were creeping out saying maybe it really was just an excuse, and he had changed his mind and didn’t want to have dinner with me. While I didn’t keep the texts to remember exactly what went down, within a week or two it became clear he didn’t want to reschedule dinner and it appeared I had even messed up having a friendship. When I realized what I had done, I asked Mack if we could get together so I could bravely explain my behavior in person, but he declined. I really did enjoy my time talking with him so I tried to explain in writing so he would at least be aware I was trying to learn. I sent a really long text to Mack because I didn’t have an email address for him. At this point, I had nothing to lose. I told him about working on the book and my mind being in a deep place, but I now realized I needed to be careful to keep that from flowing over to people who aren’t interested in the things I think about. I shared how I wanted to be brave and talk in person so I could share a heartfelt apology. I talked about how I want lots of fun, light, and joy in my life but that doesn't come without me being fully myself and being fully myself requires me to be honest that I'm as messed up as anyone. And I said that I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, so I don't keep making the same ones, but how I’m like everyone and being aware of the impact of my words and actions is a life-long journey. I talked about how on my birthday eve, I had the most carefree, fun night, but then how on the following Saturday I almost messed it up with my fear of walking in by myself. And after that night

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