Brave Enough To Be Bliss

“You’re not grown up until you know how to communicate, apologize, be truthful and accept accountability without blaming someone else.” Unknown

A week or so later, I was searching for a different email in my “Sent” folder and ran across the one s I had sent John that night and took a moment to re-read them.

On Sunday, December 5, 2021, 7:13 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: You left me alone and even though I survived, I shouldn’t have had to without you. You should’ve cared . You should’ve given a shit about me. You should have given me an ounce of compassion after all I have had for you. I was a gift you should have never taken for granted. You should have been kind. I am not proud of you for your behavior toward me, I gave you so much more than you deserved. Do better, John, be a f***ing better man than you ever were to me. You broke my heart. I believed in you, and I trusted you.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Sun, Dec 5, 2021 at 7:59 PM

And apparently whatever you said about me makes your friends think I’m open game now for anyone…f*** you all. I only was with you physically for all those years because I f***ing thought the world of you for some f***ing unwarranted reason. I wouldn’t let any one of you touch me. Makes me f***ing sick I gave you my heart and ever trusted you.

I was shocked and horrified at the words I had used and just how harsh and hurtful the messages were. It was truly not what I recalled at all. This verified to me there is a very good reason NOT to drink alcohol when I am upset because I can say or do things that are not within my true character and values. And it was a good example that when I feel what I feel without balancing that with rational thinking, I can hurt people with my words. I promptly apologized for my behavior upon seeing what I had written, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. On Monday, December 13, 2021, 08:48:19 AM CST, Ginger Bliss wrote: All I can say is I am sincerely sorry. I honestly had not read the emails I sent to you since the very moment I sent them. In my mind, they were nothing like the words that came out. Yikes, I believe that is the first time I have said things that I truly regret saying as harshly as I did. I suppose it was a lot of pent-up frustration at not having my best friend to talk to for all this time, but that's no excuse for saying what I said the way I said it. Please forgive me. I do feel very badly, and you were quite justified in being upset with me. Please know that I had been drinking gin, which I rarely do, and clearly, I was not thinking. Truly, I had no idea until the moment I just read them.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Mon, Dec 13, 2021 at 8:56 AM

Thank you for caring enough to call because clearly that was out of character for me. I hope that my voice or something made it clear I had been drinking because I would hate for you to think those were words, I would have chosen to use sober. I am really in shock...I had been feeling so badly for two days and so I guess it had just built up to a point that I clearly let loose of all the frustration about multiple things at you. I hope that grace you have always given me is still available in a quantity that will try to understand that unfortunately sometimes we hurt the ones we trust and love the most. It doesn't excuse anything, hopefully it just can help explain it and you can understand it was clearly about me, not you. I'm so very sorry if my words hurt you. I know I apologized last week, but I didn't know at that time how deeply I should have apologized.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Sent: Monday, December 13, 2021, 10:57:44 AM CST

I now know what it feels like to be in a shame storm...I have had control of my words for all these years until then. Remember when you'd tell me to just say whatever I'm thinking and not be so careful with my words...don't think that's what you meant of course, and I took it too far but guess I really have changed. I'll reign that in a little bit while drinking for sure moving forward, but just made me smile remembering you telling me that and thinking about this now. I guess I just have to give myself the same compassion I would give you for making a mistake, though. I have always been fearful that words cannot be undone because I have held onto them and used them to punish myself time and time again when other people say them to me. Even though I've twisted them around, I'm sure, to make sure they're hurtful enough. I just never thought I'd use them in a way that would hurt someone else. I wasn't thinking at the time clearly, but perhaps when I said them, I really didn't even think they would be hurtful because you don't respond to virtually anything that I say and haven't for so long, maybe somewhere in my mind I didn't think anything I said could be hurtful or helpful or meaningful in any way to you. It certainly doesn't justify anything for sure, but just trying to understand where that all came from.

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