Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 12 — Anger Management

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” Marcel Proust

John had told me he really had to work to control his anger earlier in life, but uncontrolled anger was not something I ever personally witnessed from him. He would tell me about times when he had been very angry and how he handled it, but not once did he ever lash out at me, even when he would have had every right to do so. That was one way we were different as I was still in the early stages of learning how to express anger, or at least I thought so until this incident. On this night, I allowed my words to be used in a way I had pledged years ago I never would. While it certainly wasn’t the first time, it had been many years since a married man had made inappropriate comments to me or inquiries of me. But on this Saturday morning, I received a message through social media from a married male friend who asked if he could share something with me. By this time, it wasn’t uncommon for people to share their past traumas with me since my blogs encourage vulnerability. I said sure you can tell me anything, but rather than use social media, I provided my personal email address. I thought it might be a lengthy disclosure as some have been in the past. Email just seemed more confidential and, quite frankly, easier for me to read and respond to than through social media. When I saw the email from him appear soon after, I was shocked to read that it was related to his inappropriate thoughts about me. Call me naive, but I just didn’t see this one coming. At first, I was ok, and just told him no I wasn’t interested in that type of conversation , but that I didn’t judge him, and we all make mistakes. He apologized and I responded that while I accept the apology, he really needed to apologize to his wife and figure that part out. I know there is underlying pain when people do this type of thing, so I wanted to show him compassion and be able to maintain the casual friendship. In this case, I was pretty certain there was significant pain from his past due to several things I had learned about him through the years, and for some time I had felt he might tell me about it which is why I was so quick to give him my personal email address. I was probably feeling stupid for having done that which may have led to the feelings that followed. While other married men had approached me years ago, this time it really got to me and for about 36 hours, it was all I could think about. I started reflecting on previous conversations with him, what I could have done to make him think it would be OK to approach me. My mind was spinning, and I was spiraling down a hole that I hadn’t been in for quite some time. Even though my general rule is not to have alcohol by myself, I had a couple drinks and deduced that it must have been what had been said about me to him that made him think it was OK. Since John knew him also, I made up in my mind that John must have talked about having sex with me, giving him the idea he could have his turn, so I sent John two emails blaming him. It was unlike me to express anger in that way, so he immediately called me asking what was going on. He just received nasty emails from me out of the blue blaming him for something he knew nothing about. Saying it was not my finest moment would be a complete understatement. In fact, it may have been my worst moments ever. The decision to share this story was a tossup with infidelity regarding level of difficulty. The only reason I can is because I think it’s such a good example of how easy it can be to spiral into shame and blame and how dangerous it can be to communicate anytime your brain is impaired from alcohol or any substance. Like with the rest of the book , I’ve learned to accept responsibility for even shameful behaviors accepting I was a flawed, hurt human who sometimes makes mistakes, and show myself compassion so I can learn from them. And yet each time I have read these words, they still hurt my heart just as much knowing it was me who said them.

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