Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I regret nothing and appreciate that you have given me the gift of being able to receive love physically and emotionally . I can’t tell you how many of my other relationships have blossomed because of my ability to truly embrace my friends and family when I hug them. That was a true gift. You haven’t given me tangible gifts, but you have given me something so much more with that one thing. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be touched by a tangible gift now and then, but I appreciate the hug lesson each and every time I embrace someone and as they have begun to reciprocate. I am grateful and think of you with each and every hug. That is the gift of a lifetime. And it took courage for you to tell me and teach me with how defensive I could have been, but you went ahead, and I was likely only open to it because of the overall relationship we had. Sex is very different for men and women. I understand that much more now. I didn’t previously, so anything I may have said th at isn’t recent you should erase from your mind. My lack of knowledge about the differences in men and women may have led to judgme ntal comments on my part. I don’t profess to know everything about men of course, but I am at least aware there are differences. I used to think everyone had the same thought processes as me so I took things personally that had nothing to do with me because I thought the other person was processing like I would have. I created so much of my own misery with that. People waste so much time and energy by not just talking about the real stuff. I’m trying to do better about that which is why I’m bringing this up after your text Saturday and questions in my mind about mmm mmm. I feel like there’s something there and I would much rather get out there whatever it is instead of wondering. I know now I have been physically open to you because it was one way I felt on the receiving end of your love. I have felt loved in your arms. That is why the boundary has been more difficult for me. It is the one way you have shown me how you feel. I have wanted to feel your love, so I have allowed you to touch my heart the one way it seemed you have been able to. I want and need more though. I want nonsexual displays of affection. I want to be held or to hold you without it necessarily leading to sex. All night sex isn’t sustainable, it’s just all we’ve had so I’ve wanted to soak it up because I know you will be leaving. I don’t want to fear not seeing or hearing from you anymore.

If mmm mmm was for me so I don’t have to fear hurting your feelings if I’m not feeling it, that’s great.

If it’s because you know I want more and you can’t respect me/won’t put forth the effort if I continue to allow sex, then that’s a good thought and we should talk about it.

If mmm mmm is for you because of something else, please just explain whatever it means to you.

You said we couldn’t watch a movie together because you’d want to have sex. I didn’t understand that, and it’s always been something I have wondered about. Does that have anything to do with mmm mmm? While I wish things had started out differently so there was no confusion, maybe we wouldn’t have learned all we have about ourselves and each other if we hadn’t. I regret nothing I did or you did to me. Nothing will change that.

From: Ginger Rothhaas To: Ginger Bliss Subject: Re: Good morning Tuesday, October 26, 2021 at 6:39 PM

In case I forget on Thursday, there is great material in your writing in both of these emails to John for your book. Everything you are saying to John needs to be heard by everyone. All of this journey you’ve endured is part of what you will teach. You will help to lessen the suffering of others and give hope by sharing this hard-earned wisdom. I’m looking forward to Thursday morning!!

“Let the version of yourself that you were, teach you. Let the version of yourself that you are currently, comfort you. Let the version of yourself that you are becoming, inspire you.” @iambrillyant

After a conversation with a friend the evening before about childhood sexual abuse and rape, and the myriad feelings that go along with the healing process, I woke up at 5 a.m. on November 12, 2021, with these words. Everyone comes up with their own reasons. We turn on ourselves, each other, God, we desperately search for a purpose, a reason, something, please, please come up with something to give us that sense of control that the unthinkable, the unbearable won’t happen to us or someone we love ever , or again. Instead of assigning blame and fully feeling it and believing where that blame belongs, we want to think if I would have screamed louder or fought back harder or said something sooner or dressed differently or not made eye contact or not gone out at all…then it wouldn’t have happened. We would rather think it was our fault or our parents’ fault or our friend’s fault or the lack of preparation or the lack of protection than accept the fact that we can never positively know if it will ever happen to us or someone we love in the future. We convince ourselves as parents that we will do better, we will prepare them better, we would never let that happen to our child…until it do es.

182