Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 7 — Reflections & Epiphanies

“I’ve learned, through my own shit, that when you’re genuinely ready to be the woman that you want to be, for yourself, you’ll drop all the excuses you once had, and start making the moves that you need to make to become her.” Madison Hughes On Tuesday, October 19, 2021, 10:56 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote to John: It was a struggle to be a good leader and have a personal relationship working with you and I now realize I made many mistakes confusing the two, mixing the two, being controlling with one when I was hurt with the other, and a host of other things I can see more clearly now in reflection. There still isn't a day that goes by that I do not miss you. So many little things that made my days better. I am certain that at times I was not fair to you professionally and/or personally and that I may have unknowingly been harsh in an effort to regain professionalism or been soft at the wrong times in an effort to show you how much I cared. I tried to convince myself at the time it would be ok working together, and I wanted it to be because I was scared I couldn't find another job based on my recent history especially with Kylee still to support and because I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to be able to see you as much. There were so many times you brought up that maybe you needed to quit when you were drinking, but we never discussed it sober. I don't remember saying I am sorry for all of that mixedupedness, but I now realize that couldn't have been easy to deal with and I am sorry I wasn't aware, honest, or real enough to know when I confused things in my mind and then confused things with my behavior. It's a wonder we could still like each other at all through so many years of all that. You have been in my heart from the moment you said you wanted to get to know me before we went to happy hour that first time after work with everyone. My efforts to encourage, my sharing information as I run across it and the personal revelations about myself have not been in an effort to change you because I think there's anything wrong with you, but rather because I see all that is so right in you and sometimes it seems like you don't see that. I am not oblivious to the fact you are imperfect like the rest of us, but it has felt to me like you hide some of the very best parts of yourself. You have given me glimpses of the most real, vulnerable, honest, and attractive parts of you. You let me get too close for your comfort perhaps, but in the process, I learned for the first time just how comforting it can be to trust someone like that. This is one thing that I don't think I owe you an apology for. There may have been times when I irritated you or confused you, but I know your heart knows my heart and for that reason I feel confident you know my intentions are always pure only wanting the very best for you. Even if you don't need the apologies or even remember anything related to my realizations, I need to say them because I now see things quite differently than I did all those years. Quite honestly, it's shocking to me how negatively I saw everything and how much misery I created for myself with no one else to blame, quite the opposite of how I saw it then. Things just come back to my mind from time to time because it's impossible not to be reminded of situations when I am there or at home where I spent so much time talking with you. I don't blame myself because I know I didn't know any better then, I just want to be honest, accountable and acknowledge it because I now understand I may have unknowingly hurt you from time to time. Thank you for being kind and patient and caring. It may not have felt like enough then, but it was. I just didn't know yet how to appreciate it when I had the chance. “Change the story your body holds about what kind of love you get to have and you are free forever. It’s not about the man. And it never was. You just used him as an excuse not to feel lovable now. It’s about believing you get to be loved for who you truly are. Over and over again. It’s about feeling worthy of what you want. It’s about knowing you deserve it. It’s about unwavering faith that love wants you as much as you want it. And then letting it flood your body and rewrite the false story. You get to li ve in the truth that you are and always were LOVABLE.” @amiracleworkbook John sent me a so ng where the artist says, “mmm, mmm” meaning no when a man asks for her number and several other things . I listened to it and understood he was telling me I should say no to him, but I didn’t understand why. And I like to understand things. When I don’t understand what things mean, I do n’t learn anything, and if I don’t learn, I stay stuck and I don’t change my behavior . And when John didn’t explain, I usually made up my own answers, which is always a bad idea.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Subject: Sex Monday, October 25, 2021, 06:38:53 PM CDT Last deep subject I have left to cover with you. Saved the best, hardest for last.

I would appreciate it if you would talk to me about what goes through your mind about sex with me, or even just sex in general. I feel like it’s a barrier and it would be better to just put it out there. Whatever is mentionable is manageable. Mr. Rogers w as a genius, it’s the key to all communication issues. I don’t feel badly about anything related to us having sex. I believe you care for me and always have. I believe that now, bu t when I would get scared of anything in the past, that’s when I would bring it up about feeling used instead of just saying I’m sc ared about whatever it was at the time. I lived my whole life in fear, it wasn’t just you.

181