Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Ginger explained taking the Uber, going to an unknown restaurant, and meeting someone I barely knew must have been triggering to me and after we talked about it, I understood better , but didn’t really feel any better. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t control my own behavior again. It took me back to the day coming home from John ’s, getting out of the shower, and answering that text. These aren’t the ways I want to respond. This isn’t what I want to happen and yet, I can’t control it and it’s so very frustrating. Surprisingly, the evening I got home from Florida, Scott sent me a text to see how vacation was. I expected never to hear from him again with how I assumed I had behaved that night, so it was very nice of him to reach out. All evening, I knew I needed to respond, but it was just so hard, and I felt so sad. I had worked hard for nearly three years only to have this happen, and with a guy I really thought I would enjoy getting to know. It felt like no matter how long I worked, no matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever going to change. I remember sitting on the couch for a very long time as I typed a rather short message, for me anyway, to explain something that felt so complicated. But maybe that was it. It wasn’t that complicated. As much as I had wanted to believe I had healed from the trauma of the rape, clearly, I hadn’t. That’s all it was. Still. One act of violence. One crime. No matter how long it had lasted, it was nothing compared to the lifetime of pain I had suffered as a result of not healing from it. I was scared about how he would respond because I didn’ t think I could take any more…of anything. “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” Cynthia Occelli On Apr 20, 2021, at 10:43 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: Hi. The sun was very nice but to be honest, I am glad to be home even in the cold. I dearly love them all, but the timing just wasn’t good for me. I have to share what may be too much information, but I feel it’s only fair to explain. I was raped when I was 17. I told no one and buried that memory in order to survive. It only started to resurface at all a few years ago. That incident and what I must have told myself at the time it meant about me led to a lifetime of feeling there was something inherently bad/disgusting about me even though I didn’t understand why. I’ve worked very hard to change all that flawed think ing and stop hating myself, but clearly I have more work to do because when it occurred to me on Wednesday his name was Scott and then likely because I didn’t drive myself, when I got out of the Uber all of the sudden I felt panicked inside even though at the time I hadn’t put it all together yet why I felt that way. I was trying all evening to be ok, but I wasn’t. “Write this down: I’m going to give myself some grace during this difficult time.” Brendon Burchard

I told my self-compassion coach what happened, and she said it was likely a trauma response. She suggested EMDR treatment which I will try because I do want this all to be in my past once and for all.

This may be more than you ever wanted to know about me, but I just wanted you to know why I have to focus on taking care of myself right now.

On Wednesday, April 21, 2021, 8:48 AM, Scott wrote: Thanks for sharing, Ginger. I can ’t imagine being haunted by that terrible past experience. You’re a sharp lady and should be proud of the success you forged through while carrying this buried pain. Sounds like there might be a balance on the other side of your business success you want to help yourself get appropriately positioned to enjoy with a man if that’s what you desire. To be sure, there’s likely many people that have been through your shoes and subsequently lack desire or ability to develop intimacy with a person of the opposite sex. You immersed yourself into being a phenomenal Mom and also with your career. Now that you ’ re divorced, daughter is grown and recently married, it makes sense you would find yourself revisiting fearful thoughts as you get to know a guy and perceive vulnerable situations due to your past experience.

There are many great things I could say about you. You ’re attractive, smart, hard work ethic, caring, good character and list goes on. Everyone has Gold and Dirt. Your Gold far outshines dirt.

On the flip side, I sense you being a bit clammed up with fragile sense of self and walls built up keeping you from getting close to a guy. So, I appreciate you explaining your past in order to better understand you.

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