Brave Enough To Be Bliss

But no one came. I was stuck with him at that table physically, but I was somewhere else in my mind, entirely focused on how to survive the evening in order to get back home.

When it finally came time to leave, I told him I would request an Uber, but he didn’t have to wait. He offered to give me a ride and I didn’t hesitate. It felt like I hated him, but I wasn’t scared to get in the car with him. I just needed to get home, and he could get me there faster than I could get there waiting for an Uber. So, he pulled up in front of my house and I don’t remember if I was pleasant or not, but I got out of the car and inside as quickly as I could. I felt safe, but immediately also felt awful about myself. I didn’t know what had happened, but I knew it was my fault and yet again, I had pushed away a man. If there was anything worse than a lost cause, that’s what I felt like. “Trauma can make it feel like you’re never safe, even if the world around you appears to be safe to everyone else. This can make it incredibly difficult to explain to non- traumatized people, who can’t see a clear ‘ reason ’ you feel anxious, paranoid, scared or powerless.” Unknown

On Apr 14, 2021, at 10:13 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: Not sure what happened, but I didn’t want to be there from the start. Not good...

On Thursday, April 15, 2021, 8:42 AM, Ginger Rothhaas wrote: I have time to talk this morning. Do you feel like talking about it with me?

From: Ginger Bliss To: Ginger Rothhaas Thu, Apr 15, 2021 at 7:01 PM

I saw your email while getting ready to board the plane this afternoon, writing this now in flight. I’m sorry I missed it thi s morning. I don’t have notifications on my personal email, and I worked today so didn’t have a chance to check it. Thank you for your willingness to talk. I really don’t know what happened. Everything was good until I saw him, and it wasn’t. Everything he said and did irritated me. I wanted to be anywhere but there with him. I still feel that way about him now. I don’t know what happened to make me switch feelings so immediately and completely. I just couldn’t shake it. I really don’t think he was any different, b ut how I felt b eing near him couldn’t have been more different. I’m certain he felt it since he called when he got home, I didn’t answer. He sent a text, and I just couldn’t respond until this morning. It wasn’t nice of me, but I just couldn’t, and I don’t even think I feel badly. I just don’t want to spend another evening like that. Maybe it was because I took an Uber because I didn’t want to risk driving after drinking and Kylee had said there were a lot of police out yesterday. It was only 10 minutes from my house so I thought that would be the smart thing to do. I know I can get an Uber at any time, so I don’t think that had anything to do with it, but something happened. As much as I hate admitting to it, I lied to her. I had seen her message. I just couldn’t bear to talk about it. Not yet. I was embarrassed, ashamed, sad, disappointed. It all felt much too overwhelming to talk about. So why didn’t I just tell her that? She would have understood, I knew that for certain. I think it was the shame. It was like I had taken a final exam and not only bombed it, I got a 0%. It was like I hadn’t even tried. I just sat there. I barely spoke. I wasn’t myself at all. It was like I was someone even worse than I’d ever been before. “We all lie sometimes, it’s part of being human. Often, we lie when we don’t feel like we can tell the truth because it might hurt someone or the consequence might hurt us. We lie when we are afraid. Just take a quick pause next time you feel tempted to lie and see what you can do for yourself to make telling the truth feel more safe.” Ginger Rothhaas Ginger and I communicated while I was on vacation, and she explained it was likely a trauma response and suggested I make an appointment with a therapist who could provide EMDR. You may recall reading that I had tried EMDR when I went to MOCSA, but after a couple sessions decided it wasn’t going to work, so I stopped going. But that evening had been such an awful experience, I was willing to try anything, so I scheduled the appointment.

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