Brave Enough To Be Bliss

On Wednesday, April 14, 2021, 9:58 AM, Ginger Bliss wrote: It just occurred to me last night when I said his name that his name is Scott. Rapist was Scott ...but I didn’t let it ruin anything. I think maybe it is full circle showing I have healed, and I can say his name and not tie it to old wounds. I am not going to allow that or anything else to steal this joy from me. I have been saying these things over and over and it’s helping. Monday I was very te ary and couldn’t figure it out. Something was bothering me, and I couldn’t decide why the tears. They were coming from somewhere, but I couldn’t identify it. So not sure if it was the name thing or fear because I don’t know him that well and when I was ra ped, I didn’t know him well which is why I’ve probably only been with friends and not ever wanted to date. Anyway, I don’t know but I decided Tuesday morning I wasn’t going to do this to myself, I was going to trust myself and trust him and believe that he could be good to me. Maybe I’ll get surprised, and he won’t turn out to be as nice as he seems, maybe I’ll get my feelings hurt someda y, maybe I won’t end up liking him as much as it feels like I will...but maybe these things won’t happen, and he will be a long-term gift from God. Either way, I have survived way worse and so for once, I’m just going to go with it and enjoy however many moments present themselves. I will not steal my own joy this time to protect myself. I am going to be brave like my tattoo says! Good thing warm weather is here so I see it often! Oh my, not sure how he’ll feel about my tat toos , but either way I’m good with them and that’s all that matters. I’ll not ever feel badly about myself because of what a man says about me, that I feel conf ident about. Like me, don’t like me but I worked hard to become who I am and keep my daughter alive and learning to live again, and my tattoos are representative of that f****** hard work, and I will never regret any of it. I covered Sunday that I’ll eat if I’m hungry and won’t if I’m not. I was me and I didn’t apologize for it. He was great with everything. I wasn’t bitchy sounding about it, just honest. So, when tat toos come up, I’ll handle it the same way. Maybe I’m thinking of that because I may wear a dress. Anyway, oddly he complimented me on my hair last week when he approached me because John was always negative about my hair and it was rainy and I felt yucky about how I looked, yet he was attracted when I didn’t fe el great about my appearance. So, refreshing. The rest of the day was good. I was excited to meet Scott and planned for another great evening. While I didn’t expect to drink more than one or two drinks, I wanted to be cautious, and it was just past downtown and an Uber wouldn’t be expensive, so I figured it was the safest thing to do. That turned out to be a very bad decision. I got dressed and was feeling good in the outfit I had selected. I went downstairs and requested the Uber. It arrived and, on the ride, I sent Kylee a final message saying I was headed there and would let her know how it went on my way home. Everything was good until … I stepped out of the Uber and saw him walking up to the restaurant and in that instant, everything felt wrong. I wanted to run, catch the Uber, get back in and go straight home. But I couldn’t, the Uber was too far away. And I couldn’t get away . I had to cross the street, face him and face the evening. So, I did what I had to do. I faked a smile, he hugged me, and we headed inside. It felt like I was there, but I wasn’t there. I was so confused , and everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion. The hostess took us upstairs and I asked where the bathroom was, hoping it was downstairs so I could request an Uber, leave, and text him once I was safely on my way home. But she was happy to report it was conveniently located upstairs, not far from our table. There was no escape. He would be able to see if I headed downstairs from the bathroom and he’d come after me , wondering where I was going. I felt stuck. There wasn’t a way out no matter how hard I tried to find one in my mind. I was just going to have to endure it. I was going to have to get through this and then I would be able to go home. I sat across from him, pretending to be listening to what he was saying, but I was somewhere else. My mind was racing. I was trying to figure out what was happening, but it didn’t make sense. All I knew was that it didn’t feel good at all. It felt very unsafe, and I just needed to go home. And yet I knew it was illogical. He was the same person I had been excited to see all day, and had enjoyed spending time with just a few days earlier, so what was happening? I just didn’t understand, and it was all extremely distressing. I felt terrible about it, but I hated being in his presence. I hated him. In my mind, I went through all the things I didn’t like about him. It felt awful because they were the very things just a few days earlier I had liked so much about him. But it was how I felt, and it was so hard to just sit there and try to be pleasant and smile and talk when all I wanted to do was scream. Why couldn’t all the people there see I needed help? In my mind, I was crying out for someone to help me. Please…just…help me. I desperately needed someone to rescue me. Anyway, had a great phone call last night and I am looking forward to a fun date tonight!

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