Brave Enough To Be Bliss

“I don’t know why we hold onto something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harde r than not having it at all.” Meredith Grey I hope one day you will love yourself and give yourself as much compassion as I have tried to give you because then you won't be feeling wishy washy about your life in general. That is what will give your life purpose and meaning. Having children alone does not give life purpose and meaning. I understand that it may sound easy to say for someone who has a child, but it doesn't. Having children is a gift, but it is often squandered and to be certain, contributing sperm and egg absolutely does not make a parent or give life purpose. And parents can do so much damage to children without even knowing better. And we cannot control them or what happens to them, so having children can be as much heartache as it is joy. You have told me that losing your former stepson was the hardest thing you've ever been through. He came back into your life purely because you did the very hard thing of working through your feelings, you forgave yourself and your ex-wife, you apologized, you accepted your share of responsibility but most of all you took the chance and were brave enough to try. You opened your heart to love again, and I have never seen you happier. Even when you didn't know if long-term, he would be back in your life, it was worth the risk. That is one of my favorite periods of life to have witnessed that transformation. From telling me you were working through that with a therapist, to telling me about the dinner, to asking for the notecard, to sending me a picture of the message you wrote to your ex-wife, to sending me the photos that night, to visibly seeing you walk into my office immeasurably lighter the next day than ever before. That and the night you stopped by unexpectedly after being with him to share with me that you had seen him periodically but hadn't wanted to say anything to see if it would continue (like not sharing a pregnancy too soon is how you described it). And when you told me about it, I noticed that you were patient and thought about him and it wasn't all or nothing. You were patient and selfless and no matter how much your heart probably ached to be with him and receive his love, you did the hard thing and pulled back on your needs and wants and let him reach out when he was ready. “Before I could release the weight of my sadness and pain, I first had to honor its existence." Yung Pueblo Those are examples of what gives life purpose and meaning. And it wasn't because of him or having a child, do you see that? He may have given you the inspiration, but it was ultimately about you...he was a part of it, but regardless of whether or not you ever saw him again, you did the work, you took the chance, you gave the love. It wasn't based on what you got back from him, it was because you were willing to show yourself love and compassion that then allowed you to offer your love. Does it feel good to have someone else love you in return? Yes, but it isn't necessary for you to still experience all the benefits of having done the brave, hard thing in giving of yourself for the pure joy and fulfillment and contentment that can bring. You made mistakes, you acknowledged them and most importantly you showed yourself the love and compassion that is required to move forward in life. It is hard and it opens you up to potential pain, but that level of love and compassion, that level of true giving and in this case receiving of love...that is what gives life meaning. Those are the moments that you will remember when you are dying and those are the moments that others will remember about you. Love is the legacy we can all choose to leave this world. It is something that every human being has the capacity for if only we are brave enough to give it. There's nothing wishy-washy about that, and it all starts and ends with you. Although a different type of relationship obviously, the lesson in opening our hearts, taking a chance, and giving our love has been the same. You took a chance with him and I took a chance with you. I feel the following quote like I could have written it myself, so I can truly say even if I have loved and lost, I am grateful to have loved at all. “At the end of the day, I just want to be proud of the person I have become. I want to be proud of the love I gave – of the way in which I risked my heart despite the things it had been through. I want to be proud of the effort I showed those I cared about, I want to know with a ruthless certainty that I showed as much as I could, that I made people feel seen, that I made those around me feel less alone in this chaotic world. I want to be proud of my life – of the way I healed, of the way I made mistakes and learned from them, of the way I felt everything even when it wasn’t convenient or comfortable. I want to be proud of the way I grew, of th e way I pushed myself to be a better person. At the end of the day, I just want to be able to say without hesitation that I lived my life, that I did not just take a back seat to my fear, or to my flaws, or to whatever hardships came my way. I want to be able to say that I am proud of the way I survived. I want to be able to say that I did not take one day for granted, that I truly gave it my all.” Bianca Sparacino As you know, I have been working on becoming a mentally/emotionally healthier person for the past 18 months or so. I don't know if you've noticed any difference or not, but I feel it...and I think I have been better to myself and others because of it. Of course I still mess up because it takes time to change patterns of thinking/mistaken beliefs, but I do feel that I've gotten a lot better about accepting what is, living in the moment, allowing others to truly get to know the real me, verbally discussing things not just writing my feelings, being vulnerable and brave even when I'm really scared, not being self-conscious about my body, not saying negative things about myself to myself or others, accepting compliments, controlling my inner critic/not listening to the voices in my head that lead me to behave in ways that are bad for me and others, not foreboding joy but appreciating every good and wonderful thing that happens instead of worrying about the future/the goodness ending, catching myself pretty quickly when I revert to old patterns of thinking/behaving, etc. Wow, that's a lot of really f****** hard work and a lot of progress...so, yay me! "You know what it takes for a star to f****** shine? A shit load of darkness." Unknown And on the off chance any of this previously written stuff could be helpful or interesting to you in any way, I am going to go ahead and send it...I hate to waste words.

The work I have been doing with Ginger all this time and the tools and resources she has provided have helped me immensely and helped me get to the point where I can now share these thoughts with you. I feel like over the past four years, we have each done

139