Brave Enough To Be Bliss

The manager of the pool where I lifeguarded asked if she could come in. Being the always compliant person I was, I said of course and let her in. We sat on the couch, and she proceeded to ask me if I had thoughts or plans to kill myself. I didn’t lie and said yes, I had planned to the night before, but wasn’t successful. She asked where my mom was and then said she was going to have to call her. I doubt I acted any differently at work since I was already adept at hiding my feelings, so I have no idea what made her come over that morning. All I can think is that she must have had a feeling I was depressed and decided to ask.

My mom returned home, and I don’t recall the details, but I went to live the rest of the summer with my dad, stepmother, and my two-year-old half-sister.

“Be the kind of person who is not afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are but look like they are not. Be the kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. Be the kind of person you wish for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that kind of person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gol d.” Nikita Gill I only recall one visit with a counselor, as they were referred to back then if they were referred to at all. I remember her asking why I wanted to kill myself and being perplexed about that. I just kept saying I was very, very sad and when she kept probing me, I finally said it was probably related to my parents being divorced. That didn’t seem quite right , but I had to tell her something to stop her from asking the same question I didn’t have an answer for. I don’t remember going back but if I did, it couldn’t have been many times . I probably convinced everyone I was OK , so we just didn’t talk about the unpleasant topic of me wanting to die. I knew I had disappointed them, so I did what I always did: I figured out how to go on. Having a tiny little sister who frequently wanted back rides, loved to splash around in her baby pool out back and generally was my little shadow, brightened my days that summer. My dad and I both loved sports and my stepmother was very kind, so it was the best environment for me to be in prior to going to college.

Apparently, I had abruptly changed plans and decided to go to the University of Kansas (KU) instead of Kansas State University. In my mind, I had always been a KU fan and wanted to go there for college, but my dad insisted that wasn’t the case. He said I changed my mind, and he never really understood why. This topic came up more than once through the years and it frustrated me that he was so adamant about it. I just knew he had to be wrong. It would literally be decades before that made any sense at all. I was a first-generation college graduate taking student loans to pay my way through, understanding absolutely nothing about compound interest. It was the only way I could go to college, though, so that’s what I did. I was a pre- journalism major and at that time anyway, you didn’t get admitted to the journalism school until your junior year. I had a private dorm room because I couldn’t bear the thought of living in the same room with someone I didn’t know. I went throu gh the first day or two of sorority recruitment, but I quickly determined it

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