Brave Enough To Be Bliss

That’s not something we discuss. If you say that, you’ll go to hell.

We’ll talk about that when you get older. That’s not something nice girls talk about.

Certainly, there are some good memories I can recall, including camping and boating at Webster Lake and summer vacations to various destinations, especially Table Rock Lake with several very loving families. I just remember doing things together was more peaceful than simply being together.

“At the end of the day, your folks aren’t heroes or villains. You don’t have to idolize nor vilify them; they just did the best they could with the resources they had available in their particular community.” Shaoni Das

That little girl’s sadness and loneliness grew through the years until I was an 18-year-old recent high school graduate who wanted to kill herself. I had gained weight in the second half of my senior year, I didn’t feel I had any close friends and in short, I felt fat, ugly, and disgusting. I truly believed no one would even miss me when I was gone. So, I planned to end the pain. Since I don’t recall many details from this time period to be able to fully describe it, please take three minutes and listen to the song through the link below. Really try to feel the words of this song, not just hear them. Connect with your heart and soul and feel the isolation. Imagine feeling completely numb, unable to truly experience anything.

No joy, no anger, and not even an ability to cry anymore. Just existing...without a purpose...a mere shell of a human being.

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

Now imagine losing all hope that remained in those lyrics … But I wanna try. (I not only didn’t wanna try, but I also couldn’t. I had nothing left. I was empty.)

But someday I might. (Someday felt as hopeless as today. I had been trying so hard, for so long. I was done. Something I’m made for. ( If I had been made for something, I was certain I had messed that up too. I was worthless and without purpose.)

While I don’t remember much , I do know that’s how I felt because I would continue to feel that way for most of my adult life.

I lived with my mom, and she was out of town one weekend visiting her sister, so I grabbed a bottle of my prescribed narcotics for migraine pain, set a glass of water on my nightstand, and crawled into bed. I took the lid off the bottle, preparing to take the pills, but must have fallen asleep. The next thing I remember was feeling someone sitting on the edge of the bed behind me. I could feel the person sitting right next to me, touching me, but I wasn’t scared. I just laid there still, quiet, with a sense of peace I had never known. I must have fallen back asleep and when I woke up the next morning, pill bottle still in my hand, I was confused. I remembered the person sitting with me, but quickly turned to logic and figured the only explanation was that my mom must have come home unexpectedly. But then I remembered how peaceful I felt, so I went downstairs to check and she wasn’t there. And I could tell she hadn’t been. No one had. Unless it was …”No, that’s not possible,” I told myself. “Or i s it?”

Right then, the doorbell rang and that scared me.

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