Brave Enough To Be Bliss

was “me,” the heart of who I was as a person. My heart is how I defined “who” I was, so if my brain messed up it was less deadly than if I thought “I” messed up . Even though I hated myself, I thought my heart did have some bit of value, and it was all I had, so I needed to protect that or there truly would be no hope. Assigning my behaviors to my brain versus who I was allowed that shred of hope Ginger had given me to survive. After my 50 th birthday, I created a bucket list including travel alone for pleasure. Knowing that could be an easy one to knock off the list, I went ahead and booked a flight and secured a hotel for October 10-14, 2018, to my favorite U.S. destination, Arizona. I also knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t follow through with it, so while I was feeling just a little bit brave, I made a definitive plan and put it on my calendar to try to force myself to go. It feels a bit awkward and vulnerable to share the full bucket list, especially number 16. I really have no idea why I put that on the list other than perhaps back then it felt completely out of the question of something I could or ever would do. Since then, I’ve significantly raised the bar on what feels like bravery, so while it may not seem bucket list worthy anymore, I’ll leave it on there at least as another easy one to check off. Also, I did make a modification to number 24. Originally in 2018 I had listed “ marry the love of my life. ” While I’m certainly open to getting remarried, I’m now more interested in enjoying a healthy relationship with a man versus believing there is one person who is just magically going to be that person I know is the love of my life. Perhaps in the process of developing a healthy relationship with a man, he will become the love of my life, but I’m certain that, at least for me, marriage would require impr oved and practiced communication and conflict resolution skills as well as romance. I had the thought cross my mind that I should add one more item to the list to make it 25 items, not a random number like 24. But I’ve learned not everything has to be even or aligned or even close to perfect, so I’m intentionally leaving it at 24…for now. When I think of something else I truly want to add, I won’t hesitate to do it, but I just no longer force things that aren’t authentic. Bucket List Created March 2018 (completed items in green with year first experienced in parentheses) 1. Paddleboard in the ocean (2020) 13. Visit all 50 states 2. Take a road trip (2023) 14. Attend a beach bonfire 3. Write a book (2024) 15. Go white water rafting 4. Parasail (2019) 16. Go skinny dipping 5. Let go of a floating lantern on a beach 17. Learn to dance (2019) 6. Go stargazing in the back of a truck 18. Stand under a waterfall 7. Travel alone for pleasure, not business (2018) 19. Walk across the golden gate bridge 8. Ride in a hot air balloon 20. Visit Santorini, Greece 9. Practice yoga or meditation (2024) 21. Go indoor rock climbing 10. Ride a horse on the beach (2019) 22. Ride a gondola in Venice 11. Visit a vineyard 23. Stay in a room directly over the ocean 12. Host a cocktail party 24. Have a healthy relationship with a man In addition to teaching me some initial self-compassion practices, Ginger and I focused our weekly sessions on preparing me emotionally for the trip. When I decide I’m doing something, I dig right in and want to get it done , so meeting weekly was a priority for me. These were some of the items we discussed in the weeks leading up to the trip. ▪ What do you feel like doing? “ I have no idea ,” was my actual answer to her on this one. And I truly meant it. I had no idea what I truly enjoyed doing because I had always been much more concerned with what everyone else wanted to do than with my preferences. And I’d never traveled by myself other than for work and that always had an itinerary, so here I was at 50 years old having absolutely no idea what would bring me joy on this trip when she first asked. “When we try to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one…least of all, ourselves.” Simon Sinek

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