Brave Enough To Be Bliss

things through a church small group and a book group. And I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen with Kylee laughing about something and she looked at me and said almost in disbelief, but as a compliment, “You’re really funny.” She was shocked and h onestly, so was I. It was like a lighter, less burdened me was emerging and I was noticing it too. And it felt like freedom. It wasn’t that my husband had controlled me at all ; instead, when I was married, I had just continued the pattern I grew up with: always deferring to everyone else, trying to meet everyone else’s needs and wants, and believing mine didn’t matter at all. But now that I was on my own, I was learning how to take control of myself and learning I had the power to decide who I wanted to be and could be just for me for the first time in my life. So, looking back, it seemed like maybe the part of my brain that had always protected me was beginning to believe in my ability to survive the memory. That spring I reconnected with a colleague I had worked with at a health system. We had been close when we worked together, and though we communicated less frequently after we lost the work connection, we maintained a strong bond. She had taken over the leadership of a surgical practice and offered me the opportunity to help her. The only caveat was she couldn’t pay me very much, but since I hadn’t been making any income at all, I swallowed my pride and started working for her at a rate of $25 an hour. I ha dn’t ever had a job where I was paid an hourly rate. I hadn’t ever worked at a small business with less than 50 employees. I hadn’t ever done the type of work she needed me to do initially. That was the type of task -oriented work there were departments and staff to do at health systems, but it was my reality now. The Friday night before I was set to start working, my grandmother passed away, so we pushed back my start date by one week. The last time I saw my grandmother was in hospice a few days before she died. The facility was two hours from Kansas City, so I couldn’t go as frequently as I would have liked it. She hadn’t been eating anythin g for several days, but the afternoon I was there she asked for strawberry ice cream. I figured the chances they had strawberry were slim to none, but within minutes they were back with a good-sized scoop. She ate the entire scoop and appeared to be enjoying every bite. I had heard enough about the death process to know this might be signaling the end was very near. Before I left that evening, I walked over to her bed to say goodbye, knowing it might be the last time. Neither of us spoke, but as I sat with her and held her hands, we just stared into each other’s eyes, nothing disturbing our gaze for several minutes, and it was as though all the words of parting that needed to be said were clearly understood by each of us. The next week i t felt good to be working again finally, but it turned out the “opportunity” was much more than I had bargained for both personally and professionally. As life or fate or God would have it, I was employed there for the next eight years.

And I had no idea what was coming, or I would have run like hell to get away.

“Whenever I see someone with an abundance of empathy, I want to ask what heartbreak they have endured, for compassion is often birthed in the valley of despair.” Zoe Clark-Coates

Resources ▪ Mastin Kipp, CFLC | This is it @gabormatemd @richroll #traumainformed #mastinkipp #tonyrobbins #thelifecoachschool #lifecoachschool #polyvagaltheory… | Instagram ▪ Dr. Andy Yarborough | Licensed Clinical Psychologist (@mywellco.life) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women... book by Laura Davis (thriftbooks.com) ▪ Dr. Andy Yarborough | Licensed Clinical Psychologist (@mywellco.life) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ Dr. Andy Yarborough | Licensed Clinical Psychologist (@mywellco.life) • Instagram photos and videos ▪ Amy Schumer on the Sexual Assault Story in "The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo" (youtube.com)

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