Brave Enough To Be Bliss

While likely no one consciously thinks about it like this, in reality, as a society we want to believe it’s the victim’s fault because then WE wouldn’t have to be scared. We want to believe we have control and the only way we can do that is by believing it is the victim’s fault. Therein lies the societal issue. The fear of sexual abuse and assault has allowed us to further hurt countless sexual abuse and assault survivors and shut them down from ever fully sharing their stories, which is the only way they can truly begin to heal. And in that way, we have actually given control to the perpetrator because there is no real control when we deny reality in exchange for our comfort. I remember saying after a movie or TV show, long before I had any awareness that I had already been raped, that if I were ever taken, I would want to be killed rather than raped or at least killed before I was raped. To be aware I was being raped was a fate worse than death. Following are additional comments and questions I’ve heard from well -meaning friends or family members when I have disclosed having been raped. ▪ “Were you drunk? ▪ “What were you wearing?” ▪ And when I say, I have no idea what I was wearing, there’s often a comeback of, “I don’t know why women wear [fill in the blank (sports bras and shorts when running, short skirts, low cut tops, tight clothes)] in public, they’re just asking for it.“ ▪ “If you were kissing him, he probably thought you wanted it.” ▪ “Did you just meet him?” ▪ “Where were you?” These are people who know me, who care about me, who love me. And despite all of that, their fear takes over and they say things that are not only unsupportive, but they’re also hurtful. And even having been raped myself, before I was educated about what supportive statements I should make, I said the wrong thing when someone I love told me about her experience. It happens. We are human. We get scared. We mess up. The good news is, there is no time limit on apologies. Please consider this an introductory education or reminder and try to memorize these statements so if anyone ever shares an experience(s) of sexual abuse or assault with you, you will default to statements of support that can be their first step toward healing. “What does it mean to hold space for another person? It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.” Heather Plett If they want to share more, listen quietly. Don’t feel the need to fill any silence with words, let the survivor talk or not talk, just hold space for them and be truly “with” them. Oftentimes even when a survivor wants to tell you what happened, it can ta ke time for them to find the words, so sit quietly. Don’t get impatient. You can offer to hold a hand, touch a shoulder, or provide a hug…but ask the survivor to tell you what would feel best in that moment and don’t be offended if physical touch isn’t acc epted. Remember, the survivor is reliving the physical violation, so touch can be unwanted in that moment by some people. And yet others may long for loving physical touch, worried they may be repulsive to others because of the abuse or assault. Most importantly, just be with them so they know they are not alone in their pain. Believe: I believe what you are telling me. Affirm: I’m glad you told me about this. Support: This was not your fault. Empower: There are people and resources that can help you.

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