Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 12 — Keeping the Peace & Creating Unrest

“Feeling the impulse to agree to things purely to keep the peace is a trauma response. Acting on that consistently and at the expense of your own wellbeing becomes a way you violate your own boundaries.” Rakshanda Khan

Kylee had been begging for a dog for years and my husband would have said yes, so I felt like the mean mom, and I despised feeling that way. It was the only gift she really wanted that I recall saying no to and actually sticking with my decision. While I l ikely wouldn’t have used the word or acknowledged the feeling, I was completely and utterly overwhelmed. I loved my job, but it was extremely demanding and when I got home, I tried very hard to give Kylee my undivided attention since I hadn’t been with her all day. If I missed work, I felt guilty, if I wasn’t with her, I felt guilty…I just felt guilty for not being enough everywhere I was supposed to be. Of course, at this time, I didn’t realize that was guilt no one was making me feel…except me, but more to come on that in a later chapter. After she went to bed, I had everything left to do around the house, like laundry, ironing, cleaning, paying the bills, then there would often be things I had to get done for work before the next morning, and then I would exercise after all of that. I became accustomed to sleeping a maximum of 4-6 hours just trying to keep up, and all the while feeling like I was never doing well enough in any role: mother, wife, or employee. Each time Kylee would ask for a dog, I knew without a doubt I just couldn’t manage one more thing , and as much as they were excited about the prospect and were working on me about it, I knew somehow it would end up being my responsibility. So, my answer remained no, but inside it was eating away at me. She would ask to go to the pet store, and I would see how much she wanted a dog, and it was heartbreaking, and yet I knew this was one thing I couldn’t give in to. Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I came up with an idea to, in essence, bribe her into not asking anymore. I told her that one way or another the begging had to stop. I had given her everything else I possibly could, but I was definitely not going to give in to the request for a dog. If she agreed to never ask me again, I would agree to buy her a dog when she was older and got a place of her own. I must have been firm enough that she knew I was serious and, while not happy about it, she did agree to the deal. If she asked even one more time, she would have to buy her own dog when she was older. She was 12 years old by that point, so she was smart enough to know she better not ask. Occasionally, she would still ask to stop by the pet store, saying she knew she couldn’t have one until she was older, but she just wanted to look at them and hold them. It felt slightly less heartbreaking to watch knowing that at least someday I would be able to make her happy. The agreement bought me peace and turned out to be the best solution to get us both through the next 11 years. That is about the only example I can come up with when I said no to either my daughter’s or husband’s requests and actually didn’t cave in at some point. This section may create a visceral reaction in some of my female readers, because my behavior isn’t uncommo n. As I said in Chapter 1, when this happens, it is a signal to look within and peel back as many layers as possible to understand your reaction. The easy answer will be blaming someone else instead of owning one’s behavior and working to change one’s own behavior instead of futilely attempting to change someone else’s. My husband worked closely with orthopedic surgeons. Over time, he developed a close relationship with a surgeon who was winding down his career at an outlying community hospital, which meant he had more time to talk before and after surgical cases. He was a member of a golf club and wanted us to join, my husband told me. My first question, since I took care of paying all the bills, was how much it cost to join and what the monthly fees were . He found out the information and I said we couldn’t afford it. The surgeon then periodically sent home notes with him “encouraging” me to consider the golf membership. It was cute, but I just didn’t see how it could work. Additionally, I wasn’t good at golf so while I wouldn’t have minded going out if we had lots of extr a money, I just didn’t think it was something we should do.

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