Brave Enough To Be Bliss

We were so different when we met and yet, so alike. We learned a lot from each other because we saw traits in the other we wanted for ourselves. We couldn’t help each other with the lack of trust because we didn’t trust ourselves yet. That would be something we would have to tackle individually. We would each have to decide if we could face our own demons, get really honest with ourselves about how the past affected us and our behaviors, before we could learn new behaviors and be a healthy partner for anyone. Because I understand this man even when he doesn’t want me to and especially when it scares him that I do , I get him, and I’ll always have his back. I don’t need to control him or his feelings , but it is finally time I control my own behavior when I am with him or anyone else. Life… I s… H ard. Relationships… A re… Hard. And while love isn’t hard, I have proven over and over it is not enough to sustain a relationship of any kind. I simply adore the human being John is. He can be infuriating, frustrating, and irritating at times, yet there’s never been anyone I could sit quietly beside for hours on end while he thought, talked, or worried about the most seemingly trivial or the most deeply important topics, feeling there is nowhere else I would rather be. People and this world may have hurt him and left him with pain to the point he was unable to verbalize his feelings for me, but in my heart of hearts, I have felt those unsaid words. And even as much as I love words and the sound of his voice saying them, I long more to simply be in his presence saying any words at all, they don’t have to be about me. That desire was centered around my fears, believing if he expressed all his feelings for me, I would somehow feel more secure, but that isn’t what would have happen ed. Nothing could have helped me feel more secure then. But I know now, I don’t need to fear him or any relationship because no matter what happens, I will be ok because I finally love the human being I am today. It is no longer impossible for me to understand how someone else could love me because I can finally love myself. I have been more honest with him than I ever thought I had the strength to do. I knew full well I could have been damaging our relationship because I believed he needed to read what I had to write. I woke up many times with words that were not my own that I would type and send to him, not understanding what I was saying but feeling led to send them anyway. It occurred to me when I wrote the previous chapter and selected the song, Somebody to You , that there is an analogy to John in there as well. If I had known then what I reflect on and see so clearly now, I already was somebody to John. I didn’t need to strive for his attention because it was my heart that was worth nothing less than everything to him. Of course, a relationship is full of give and take, but all John really wanted was for me to be authentically who I was. The me he saw before I did. The beauty he saw in me, the safety he found when I listened to him, and the comfort he felt in my presence, wasn’t dependent on anything I could do for him or give to him, it was simply who I was to him. So, there’s no fear in sharing my whole heart for John in this book because I’ve got nothing to prove anymore, so there’s nothing to lose anymore. “Our friends don't love us for what we do. Our friends love us for who we are.” Simon Sinek It’s like when people complain about how much money professional athletes and entertainers make, but yet they still watch them on TV or go to events. The only way we change things is by individually managing our own behavior. If everyone stopped paying to watch these people, they wouldn’t keep making the money they make. O ne by one we have to make the decision to do what’s right for us. In the same way, one by one if we choose to walk through our days with kindness and love for our fellow humans, this world will naturally become a kinder and gentler place over time, but it’s up to each of us to do our part to make the change. Complaining about it without action is not going to do anything but make us and those around us miserable. Focusing on other people is only going to frustrate us and annoy them. Individual responsibility for our actions in every part of our lives is a key to change and peace. “Trauma teaches you to close your heart and armor up. Healing teaches you to open your heart and boundary up.” Unknown

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