Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Following is a link to a video I sent to John right after I woke up and wrote this. And I was pleased to see that the message was actually delivered, so it appeared something had stirred within him to remove the block on his phone.

IMG 5598 1 (youtube.com)

“We can’t ask people to give us something that we do not believe we’re worthy of receiving. And you will know when you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself above everyone else.” Brené Brown

Without that video, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the next one where it all truly comes together in my mind. However, while I recorded the video only two days later, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to send it to John . As often happens, I wait until I have a feeling that it’s time and that feeling came on February 24, 2024, at 11:12 a.m. I recorded this on 2/12 and am sending it today because it is on my heart to tell you when your sister brought me into pre-op and without hesitation your mom got up and hugged me, for a few short minutes I got to feel like a teeny tiny part of being in the presence of a loving family. I did a very hard thing for me by personally coming over to the hospital, but I wanted to leave zero doubt in your mind that I was thinking of you, and I cared deeply about you. It's like your mom and sister knew that and didn't give me time to be my awkward, hesitant self but instead made me actually feel welcome and wanted there during such an intimate time for your family. It was a profound experience in my life, and I knew then, I would be your friend for life even if you chose not to be mine. And that I would try to learn to love you like the love I felt in that room, the kind that isn't conditional on perfect behavior but rather allows people to be human and make mistakes and be scared. It's like they knew my heart and I knew yours even without words. So, John, you don't need to forgive me or like me or talk to me, but there's nothing you can do to keep me from caring deeply about the man your mom loved so dearly. I will always be loving you and cheering you on, even if I have to do it from a distance. Thank you for the opportunity to process through so much because I could trust you with my feelings and my heart. My written communication wasn’t ideal in so many ways, but your patience and kindness got me to this point where I am really going to have a book that I do think will help people. You made that possible because I felt I could keep writing and talking to you. I couldn’t be more grateful. GB Real, me and the branding I’m creating, is because of you. ❤️ “People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.” Elizabeth Gilbert Maybe I’m right about him and maybe I’m not, but even with all I have shared in this book, no one truly knows everything about what John and I shared, except John and I. Even then, I know we saw things differently at the time and even remember them differently today. When I watched him speak, I marveled at the human being he was and how his mind worked. I thought, “Wow, he trusts me enough to say whatever pops into his mind. I think that’s amazing he will stand there and just let the words come flowing out of his mouth. I find every word that leaves those lips fascinating.” There wasn’t anything wrong with him or me , it’s just the language of pain. When he trusted me to give me all his words in the only ways he could at that time, he handed me his heart hoping I would care for it gently and lovingly. Those times I did we found our sweet spot, but when I didn’t, he understandably ran away. We were both alone in our own pain trying our best to trust each other in the only ways we knew how at the time. IMG 5634 1 (youtube.com)

436