Brave Enough To Be Bliss

“All secrets become deep. All secrets become dark. That’s in the nature of secrets.” Cory Doctorow

Because of the shame that surrounds the topic of rape in society, it can be extremely complicated for survivors to have healthy sexual relationships or reconcile what happened to them in light of the church.

Certainly, I can understand in my brain rape is a crime and not sex, but when I didn’t treat it as a crime by keeping it a secret, it’s like it became my responsibility and with responsibility comes ownership. So, what happened to me that I had no control over, is now mine to own and try to make sense of. With the act that was forced upon me combined with all the messages I had heard growing up, and the values and beliefs I had accepted as my own, the incongruence of all of that became overwhelming. So, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of the rape for so many years and even after I had begun healing from my past, my brain kept defaulting to the path of shame whenever my body was being touched sexually, telling me I was dirty, filthy, disgusting, responsible, ruined, unlovable…and Hell bound. In order to get a little background before our Zoom call, I selected the oldest podcast on her list figuring it would give me some background about her. I was also introduced to Shannon Ethridge through the podcast and read a lot from her website as well. I learned so much and not just because I had a history of rape. I have added links in the Resources that would be of interest for any woman and particularly those who are married. I can think back on my marriage reading this and see how many of the things I heard about sex while growing up led me to associate sex with shame. I now realize the impact that has in the bedroom and on our relationships cannot be overstated. After finding these resources where they put it all out there first, I reflected on why I felt the way I did about sex and understood I was not alone. And when I knew others felt the same way, it helped me believe I wasn’t as messed up as I had told myself . Sex can just be messy. Podcast description: Feeling DUPED by the “Purity Movement” of the past 30 years? Did you try your best to save sex until marriage and then STRUGGLE in ways you never expected? Shannon interviews Rev. Angie McCarty about her doctoral research project on how we can HEAL those exact hurts! Because sex wasn’t something that I grew up able to talk about, it left me feeling that no one would be able to understand or be willing to discuss it, especially in the church. Shannon Ethridge says , ”As long as you’re alive there’s going to be some level of sexual energy in there and it was put there by God. God did not design your whole body and then the devil slapped on the genitals at the last minute. This is how we are wired.” I literally laughed out loud when I heard that, for a very long time, all alone in the condo at the lake. It was like all the years of shaming myself flew out the window and down into the lake to drown forever with that visualization and my laughter. Just hearing the topics of sex and God discussed at the same time without hesitation or hushed tones, it was like I was free from the burden of losing my virginity to a rapist. https://www.shannonethridge.com/ep-42-healing-the-hurt-from-the-purity-movement/

Losing…that’s a word I have a problem with, at least in some contexts like these… Losing my virginity to a rapist? Losing a baby from miscarriage? Losing a battle to cancer?

All imply responsibility, like there was something the rape victim, pregnant mother or cancer patient could have done to stop it. Those words cause further harm to those who are already hurting. It’s the last thing any of them need on top of what they’re already dealing with . There are other ways to refer to such traumatic losses, so I hope every reader will make it a point to use words that don’t cause further damage to already hurt humans. I digress, but felt it was worth mentioning.

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