Brave Enough To Be Bliss

But I’m also… interested to see how you’ll arrive. We’ve decided to let them try to turn you around. If it works then I will be induced (labor), and if not then you’ll be delivered by C - section. We don’t really care which way you arrive as long as you’re safe. About two weeks before I was scheduled to give birth, I was called for an interview with a managed care company I had applied to a year prior. Apparently, some human resources departments really do, or did, keep your resume on file and consider you for future positions, who knew? I had always thought that was just something they said. I told the caller I would be happy to come for an interview, but it would be a good idea to warn those interviewing me that I was “very” pregnant so they wouldn’t be shocked when they saw me. The interview was in a large office building with a parking garage underneath. I had never walked into a building like that from an underground parking garage. In Los Angeles, my only other parking garage experience, I was in an above ground garage, and yo u’ll recall that didn’t go well, so I just used the only path I knew was a sure way to get me in the building. It still makes me giggle when I think about this quite large pregnant lady in a navy-blue maternity skirt and top, the only thing I could find that looked somewhat suitable for an interview, walking up the very narrow walkway along the side of the entrance/exit of the garage. A couple cars passed by, but I was far too embarrassed to look at the drivers and see if it seemed like I was out of place. And yes, I walked down that same way as well. I had absolutely no idea there were elevators that could have taken me inside the building where I needed to go. I figured this wasn’t the right way because it seemed dangerous since the walkway was so narrow, but I didn’t want to risk being late trying to search out another option. Fortunately, being able to appropriately get into the building was not a requirement for the job and I not only got the offer, but my boss insisted that I take at least six weeks after having my baby before I started the job, and she also insisted the first week I only work half days. She really tried to talk me into taking eight weeks, but while I was too embarrassed to say it back then, I desperately needed to start as soon as possible whether my body or emotions felt like it or not because we needed the money.

“There are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child.” Anne Lamott

While I had worried incessantly about how we were going to make ends meet during those six weeks, after she was born, I quickly understood why those parents gave us the advice they did about there’s never a perfect time to have a baby. The overwhelming love I felt for this precious little one was beyond anything I could have imagined. We literally spent hours just staring at her and marveling over her, making me temporarily forget the worries and gain the confidence that somehow, I would just make it work and find a way to give her everything she needed.

My reference to madness in the title of this chapter is defined by Oxford Languages as “a state of frenzied or chaotic activity.” Despite the new level of crazy busy at home to go along with a newfound crazy busy work I loved in healthcare, I had never known the joy of loving another human being as much as I loved my daughter. Because I didn’t think I could manage the daily goodbyes, my husband and I had made a deal before she was born that he would take her to childcare, and I would pick her up.

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” Zelda Fitzgerald

I have so many fond memories of those car rides home, even those I wasn’t so fond of at the time when she was screaming at the top of her lungs all the way. At the time I would berate myself for being a working mother and believe that she was crying that hard because I had not been with her all day and that was my punishment. I deserved it, so I tried to soothe her as best I could from the front seat and drove as quicky as possible so I could get her out of that car and take her into my arms. But as time passes, I hardly remember the screaming and mean things I said to myself now; the memories are all just so sweet because she was the greatest gift I have ever received. It has been the greatest privilege of my life to be her mom.

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