Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 12 — Suffering Alone

“The way a caregiver responds to a child is how a child will expect others to respond to them in life.” Sarah Dergins

As I started to pull this chapter together, I struggled to find the right chapter title, which was unusual for me. I reviewed the few things I had compiled, and it seemed like it was going to be about faith. I typed in a few possible titles, but they didn’t feel just right. I decided to distract myself with Instagram for a moment and figured maybe when I wasn’t trying so hard, something would come.

That morning when I woke up, I had this text message from the owner of the house where I was staying. I had been up writing until close to 5 a.m. before I fell into bed and went to sleep, but I felt rested and was ready to get up when my alarm went off at 9:30 a.m. I had already planned to go to church at the same place I’d been the month prior at 11 a.m. but figured I could listen to this online service while getting dressed for the other. It had already started,

but I jumped on as quickly as I could and enjoyed the message about the importance of prayer. We were encouraged to create a plan, a routine for consistent conversation to ensure time and stillness to both talk with and hear from God. And in this place, alone, surrounded by such beauty, I did feel closer to God than I had ever felt before. But, I still found myself struggling to pray. Why was that? It didn’t make sense to me. I finished getting ready to go to the Horton Bay Community Church for the second time, fixed an English muffin, quickly ate it, and headed out the door. I saw a few familiar faces and again, felt very welcome. I had planned to stop by the laundromat on the way back, but drove by and had a feeling I needed to come back to The Shack and write, so I didn’t go in and figured laundry could wait another day. When I got back, I had a quick snack, texted with Kylee and checked a few apps on my phone. I recognized the voice of Jordan Peterson when I opened Instagram, so I stopped and listened to him read this quote from Bianca Sparacino. “But here’s the thing, you can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t love you. You can’t. Because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you are young and things are perfect, but when things get messy, and you make mistakes. And the world is less shiny. You have to make sure you have someone by your side who wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh and make breakfast with you and listen to all your dumb jokes for 20 or 30 or 50 years. Because there are difficult things in life. Really hard and haunting things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold y our hand and help you brave those storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, don’t just give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know without hesitation that they want to stay.” My immediate reaction to that was, “ W ow…yes, that’s so true.” And I started to beat myself up in my mind asking myself how many times had I chosen someone who didn’t love me? I wondered if it applied to friendships as well, but then after I thought about it, I realized it’s never been an issue with anyone except men I thought were supposed to love me. Everyone else I gave freely to and regardless of any reaction or lack thereof, I knew whatever I gave came from my heart without expectation. So, what is it then?

“Sometimes the most honest prayers we can pray are the ones that sound like, this is hard. I am tired. Please help.” Unknown

And then it came to me as I typed in the two words for this chapter title, Suffering Alone . Tears immediately came to my eyes and started streaming down my face.

The issue is, I am actually listening, and I do believe the Holy Spirit is speaking to me, but it’s still a one -way conversation, the way I’ve communicated with men my whole life. I listen. I try to understand. I try to figure out

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