Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 11 — Perfectly Loved

“Sometimes we get stuck. We think we’re in a stalemate when we’re actually in a season. Seasons pass. Seasons need self-compassion. They need a heart turned to the fluidity of life and learning. There is a tomorrow, waiting for your fierceness. But today, be.” Susan David

Pefectly loved. I wanted to believe that so much, but why didn’t I feel it deep inside? It always came back to that, damn it. Being loved.

Why? Why can’t I feel it? What is my problem? Correcting myself, what is the problem? What is still after all this time, after all this effort, keeping me from not only believing it but actually feeling it?

I listened to this song over and over trying to figure it out throughout this trip to Michigan. Desperately trying to figure it out. But it was clear, it wasn’t going to happen before 8 a.m. tomorrow when I headed home. Again, I replayed the song and listened intently to the words…

Rachael Lampa - Perfectly Loved (Official Lyric Video) featuring TOBYMAC (youtube.com)

Who said that you weren't beautiful (I did, I said I wasn’t beautiful more times than it’s possible to count)

And that you didn't belong in your own skin (I did, and I desperately wanted out of it for so many years)

Who said that you were all alone (I did, and even if someone was there physically for a time, I always still felt alone inside and knew even the physical presence wouldn’t last)

And that you're never gonna find love again ( I did, except it wasn’t again, it was for the first time because I believed I was unlovable)

So many little words, so many little lies That have followed you all of your life Looking for the truth, look into your eyes And you'll see it's been there the whole time

(Yes, I get it now, they were lies I said to myself, but they do follow me, always ready to sneak back into my brain if I slip up and don’t keep them out. And yes, I’m looking, and I can even look into my eyes now, hell I’m even doing that while saying I love you without rolling my eyes. But I guess I’m not seeing it because I just can’t for the life of me feel it?)

Even when you were running Even when you were hiding Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved Whеn you barely believеd it When your eyes couldn ’ t see it Every single moment, you ’ ve always been perfectly loved

(Yes, I’ve perfect ed running and hiding after all those years of coping to stay alive. May not have been a moment I wasn’t perfectly loved , but I sure didn’t feel it. Oh yes, many times I barely believed it or just plain didn’t , and certainly couldn’t see it, couldn’t even look into those eyes at all. Now I’m getting frustrated . Every single moment I’ve been perfectly loved? Why can’t I feel it then?)

Perfectly loved You've always been perfectly…

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