Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 10 — Feeling the Goodness

“It’s time to look in the mirror and love that person staring back at you. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful. And you’ll always be more than enough. Never forget that.” Ravenwolf

I had far surpassed the goal of not hating myself as much. I n fact, I didn’t hate myself at all anymore and, most of the time, I even liked myself. Stretch goal achieved! That should have been a great feeling, but while in Michigan, I was encountering a lot of frustration. I felt like I wasn ’ t making progress toward loving myself. That still felt out of reach. And it was clear some of my thoughts and behaviors were stuck also leading me to push harder to find answers.

I don’t recall exactly what I read, but it was something online about writing a different story for yourself. So, on November 3, 2023, I set out to do just that. I sent the following text and video to Ginger the following day.

This is it; I think. I read something similar and wrote my own version last night, I have been unsettled since going over our conversation and just continuing to be puzzled about what I was missing. Asking what is my body still holding and how do I rewrite the false story? The book? Say it and write it???? Anyway, here goes…(I wrote this then said it out loud to you on video in case that was important/necessary for it to be real.) Maybe I need to say it tonight out loud and then go to sleep, it will overwrite the mean things I said all those years ago before I went to sleep and forgot about the rape.

I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. My heart and soul are rare and beautiful, and deserve to be held with gentle, tender, loving care. I deserve to be treated with the same kindness I offer others and I will accept nothing less from anyone.

I am worthy of all these things right now as I am healing because I will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life as I live as a human being and continue to learn and grow. Anyone who loves me for who I am will know my heart, understand my behavior is about me and my healing, will support my growth and forgive my mistakes along the way when I apologize.

I have a right to feel whatever I feel. I have a right to express my thoughts, feelings, and desires and to be heard. Even when another disagrees with me, I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I matter as much as anyone else on this earth.

I have boundless love to give and endless love to receive.

I AM LOVABLE now and I always have been. My body was abused, my brain has misguided me but now I am fully in control.

I will choose who has access to me in all areas of my life including my body. My body was damaged but that doesn’t make me a damaged human being. I am a child of God, precious in His sight and I deserve nothing less than loving care and kindness. I am deserving of all good things. I can continue to express empathy for others who are still hurting, but I will clearly state and steadfastly maintain healthy boundaries with these individuals understanding I cannot save them from their pain any more than someone else could have saved me from mine.

This is my story. This is my time, this is the kind of love I want, deserve and will have because I am now free.

https://youtu.be/8IHQt7pYKCk

Ginger and I talked about the areas that seemed to choke me up the most. This was the one that was the toughest to get through, “ I have a right to feel whatever I feel. I have a right to express my thoughts, feelings and desires and to be heard. Even when another disagrees with me, I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I matter as much as anyone else on this earth. ” That is the area where I still had the most fear and the least experience. It was about having rights, respect, boundaries, honesty, potential conflict, confidence, and using my voice. And most of all, fear. This is where the majority of the work remains, but after the tears had flowed, I did believe I would find a way to make this my new story, and someday I would be able to feel it and say it all without tears.

“Abandon the idea of being fearless. Instead, walk directly into your fears with your values as your guide toward what matters to you. Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is fear walking.” Susan David

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