Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I sent my dad a photo to be able to share the beauty of that moment with him. He has always loved beautiful lakes as much as I have. I remember when I was little, even though I didn’t particularly like fishing I would go out in the boat with him, just to be on the water. Even when I was that young, being on the water brought me peace.

My dad never talked much about his faith. Deep subjects haven’t really been his thing. He’s a great guy. Fun. Funny. Engaging. Everybody loves him, including me. But feelings and especially pain haven’t been things he’s comfortable with. A few times more recently, he ’ s mentioned something about his faith or the Lord, and it surprised me because it was just so out of character for him. But since it had happened a few times over text, I was no longer shocked when I received this message. I was just so glad the beauty of that moment came through in the photo, so he could enjoy it too. If we had been in person the first or second time he mentioned something about the Lord, the surprise might have shown on my face or I might have said something not affirming. That made me wonder if it would have shut him down from ever saying something like that again. And that made me remember when John came into the office one Monday morning talking about having been to Lowe’s to buy supplies and then doing some work in the yard. Or another time when he had cooked some real meals. As I look back, I think I was so surprised because he had said things previously that made me think he wouldn’t ever do those types of things. So, I may have responded mockingly, even though that wasn’t my intention. I was simply surprised and responded too quickly. But what if he was trying to learn and grow? What if he was stepping out into something unknown and uncomfortable to see if he actually enjoyed doing those things? What if my reaction indicated to him that I wasn’t supportive of him changing and growing? What if he thought I wouldn’t like him if he did those things or that it was stupid of him to try something new? I want to believe I’m way off base and just making up things in my mind, but more often than not, when something sticks in my mind, there’s a reason for it. Looking back, I think it has stayed with me because I sensed in that moment I had said the wrong thing. But instead of asking him about it, or clarifying I was just surprised, or apologizing if what I said hurt his feelings, or giving him positive feedback for trying something new and asking questions about how it felt to be doing those things, I allowed the moment to pass and yet kept it tucked away in my brain.

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