Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 7 — Unbearable Grief Chapter Dedication: Kendall Marie Maffia, June 12, 2000-October 11, 2021

“Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is, normally, death caused by the illness of depression. It is the final symptom. A final collapse under unbearable weight. Suicide is a tragedy. If you have never been close to that edge, try not to judge what you can't understand.” Matt Haig I attended a memorial service in the Chicago area while still on crutches after my second knee surgery. It was important to me that I be there if at all possible because this one hit my former in- law’s family , and me, extremely hard. A beautiful young soul had endured all the pain she could in this life and died by suicide on October 11, 2021. The service was heartbreaking and yet as lovely as she had been. It was impossible not to think, when looking at her parents, that it could have so easily been us too. While I’ve reached out to her mom periodically since then, there are really no words that can provide any comfort, so I just try to remind her I’m thinking of them. That changed the morning I made the drive to Michigan for the second time. I had planned to leave no later than 8 a.m., but I woke up several hours before my alarm and got on the road by about 5 a.m. I figured I was just excited and didn’t think much of it . When the sun started to rise, though, I had a feeling I needed to take photos, so even though it wasn’t the safest thing to do, there wasn’t much traffic that early, so I periodically snapped one, not understanding why. Several hours later, I had to pull off the highway to a parking lot and type the following email to the parents and sister of this young girl. Good morning. I’m driving to Michigan this morning for three weeks of writing to try to finish this book I’ve been compiling over the past five or so years. As much as I don’t want to stop because I just want to be there as soon as possible, I felt compelled to pull off the highway to stop and share these thoughts with you. For the past few years when I get a prompting to contact someone, I have been going with whatever message comes to me hoping the recipient receives it with the love and care in which it’s sent and even if it’s meaningless, at least that message of love and care has been delivered. This song randomly came on after a playlist ended. Perhaps you’ve heard it already or maybe it was played at the memorial service, and I subconsciously recognized that. Regardless I just couldn’t stop thinking of the four of you. I’ve been listening to the song over and over and feeling the weight of it and then the freedom of it. At the same time, I was listening to the song, I was witnessing the shift from total darkness to a most beautiful sunrise.

Lily Meola - Butterfly (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

In the dark, my heart and mind were with Kendall and imagining the weight she was carrying and listening to the song lyrics I just cried and cried. I can imagine a similar weight because most of my life I carried what felt so overwhelming at the time. Even when I thought maybe there was some glimpse of light coming through and tried so hard to find my wings, I found myself sinking back to the ground under the weight of total darkness feeling it would never lift. And it was stifling, unyielding and just so completely overwhelming. There was nothing anyone else could do to lessen that burden. It was only mine to bear. There was no one who could rescue me and I could not yet ask for help, allow help, or learn to rescue myself. There appeared to be no hope and at those times all I wanted was to end the pain. It’s not so much I wanted to die; I just wanted the relentless pain to go away.

That weight and hopelessness took on an even greater significance when Kylee joined me there. The only thing that kept me alive then while she was being swallowed up in her own pain was the fact that I could not add to it by willingly choosing to leave her. Otherwise, I would have ended my life because the pain became even more unbearable knowing how much she was hurting. But for her, I went on struggling each day.

We existed, but we were not living. And finally, I realized that was not a life worth living for either of us.

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