Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 5 — Conflicting with Conflict

“We all have ‘issues’ because we all have a story. And no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself, we all snap back sometimes. So be easy on you. Growth is a dance. Not a light switch.” John Kim

But oh, how nice it would be if it was a light switch. I know how to turn that on and off way better than I know how to dance …so far.

When I returned from Michigan, I wanted to talk with Ginger to understand how I could have handled that conflict with Nathan in a healthier way. I knew I needed improve my knowledge about conflict.

I had started listening to a book by Jayson Gaddis, Getting to Zero , and I also signed up for texts from him. I received one that said, “Don’t forget, when you avoid conflict, you’re creating a conflict inside of you.” I took a screenshot to remind myself because it was so true. After not confronting Nathan right away with the issue, I stewed about it all afternoon and planned and overthought. If I had mentioned it right in the moment, perhaps he would have been better able to self-reflect because it had just happened, versus me bringing it up seemingly out of the blue hours later, with extra emotion having built up during those hours in between. I needed to stay in my lane and stop thinking I’m trying to help someone else when in reality I am running from my own fear. It’s just like the afternoon before meeting Mack at The Phoenix, when I very quickly figured out what the issue was. I was honest about it, said I was scared, and it all turned out fine. Avoiding the conflict made it all much more complicated with Nathan because I didn’t actually tell him my fear, instead I was addressing his behavior. My fear was that I had offered him encouragement based on his desire to change career paths, but based on his behavior, it appeared he was unprepared and lacked skills for that change to be possible. Allowing Others To Be - DailyOM “We all know what it’s like to want to be in control. In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary. Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping.” I admired Nathan’s faith, but the more I was around him the more it appeared he was using his faith as an excuse to not improve his knowledge or change his behaviors to support healthy relationships. His response to everything was to pray about it, but without any other effort on his part to understand or take responsibility for his behavior. And that made me think back to the “ Perfectly Loved ” song. There is a line in the lyrics that says, “ you don’t need fixing or solving in the arms of his grace , ” and it occurred to me much later that it’s tru e. We can go to Him broken and unsolved because He has supreme understanding, discernment, and vision, but sadly the humans we are in relationships with do not. And because of that, we need to be in a process of continual growth through education and conversation, or our relationships will stagnate or suffer. Relationships are MADE (referring to the song I sent John earlier in the book) through continual growth and pruning; they must be tended or they will wither and die. So yes, take refuge with God, but then get yourself together when it comes to understanding why you think what you think and do what you do, so you can have a healthy relationship and experience all the joy you both so deserve. I also was extremely annoyed by the pastor that Nathan was watching, and I wanted to discuss that with Ginger because it seemed like I had way more emotion behind that than is normal or healthy.

"You cannot correct what you are unwilling to confront." Craig Groeschel

350