Brave Enough To Be Bliss

She taught me at a very young age, to never depend on anyone but myself. ✨

I can’t imagine what it will be like when I think of her & am finally able to just smile. Right now, I’m in a constant flood of tears. I’m grateful to those that have walked this path & even those that haven’t & have said things like “that just means she w as that special, that’s why it’s so hard.” “Take all the time you need.” “Cry it all out, it’s good for you.” I needed to hear that. I don’t ever want to forget these things about her. And I wasn’t ready for our time to be over. I didn’t tell her enough that I feel so blessed that God chose her to be my Mom & that I’m so proud of her & lucky to have been her daughter.

I love you Mom!! Happy Mother’s Day!!

Although there are very few subjects we haven’t talked in depth about, we ’ ve only touched on spirituality. A few years ago, she asked some questions about my church, but otherwise, that was just not a topic we had delved into. I sensed from time to time she may have been questioning some things about life, death, purpose…but it didn’t seem like something she wanted to discuss or perhaps I was just too scared myself at that point to ask any questions or let her know it was safe to discuss with me if she ever wanted to. Her mom’s celebration of life was about an hour away from Kansas City. It would have been easy to talk myself out of going knowing she wouldn’t expect me to be there. She has so many lifelong friends who I knew would be there to support her. She has many client friends, so it’s not like she would even think of me in her grief. Something inside me knew it was the right thing to do, though, and even thoug h I figured I wouldn’t know anyone there except her and her immediate family, which still intimidates me a little bit, I wanted to show up just so she knew how important she is to me. I had learned my lesson about not showing up for people I love with John, and when I realized what I had done, I vowed I would do everything I could never to make that mistake again. It was a lovely service, and it was so nice to see all the people I had heard about through the years, especially her grandpa. He talked about her mom, and it was clear why he is so special to her. I knew she wouldn’t have time to talk with me, but that didn’t matter at all, she saw I was there. She knew I cared enough to show up. My presence, a long hug, and reminding her I love her was enough. I cannot think of a better way to spend an afternoon of my life. She will likely never forget the gesture, and I will never forget the experience of hearing about her mom and feeling all the deep love in that room. A few months later, I felt a nudge to send her the following text message and two songs. I knew she had been understandably struggling and the prior day she had updated her profile picture with one of her and her brother as children with their mom, so she had been especially on my mind. I had the song Shattered on my playlist and had listened to it many times, but that was the first time I had heard the song Try that randomly came on after my playlist had ended. It made such an impact on me, I had to pull off the road into a parking lot and listen to it again. Then there it was again, I felt the nudge, or more like a really hard shove, and I proceeded to send the text and songs reminding myself she knows my heart, so even if the message didn’t mean much, t he fact I was thinking of her would. This is an example of an opportunity I would have missed had I let fear guide my decision-making. Years earlier I might have talked myself out of sending it fearing she could be offended, that a spiritual reference would be too sensitive a topic, or that it would make her even more sad. All of those thoughts are simply fears. One can never go wrong with a genuine, heartfelt display of care. Text to Angie on Fri, Oct 14, 2022 at 12:49 PM Hey, I want to share these songs not to convince you to believe anything, but just to let you know you’re never alone if you happen to be wondering about life, death, purpose, pain, and heaven. I’ve questioned it all. I don’t have all the answers, but I do believe it’s all grayer than I was taught and maybe gray is a more loving place to be. So, I share to give you hope as that’s what they ga ve me when I listened and cried a river of tears. I pray they will in some way bring you peace. I love you! ❤️

Matt Hammitt | "Try" (Official Lyric Video) (youtube.com) Blanca - Shattered (Official Lyric Video) (youtube.com)

Text from Angie on Sun, Oct 16, 2022 at 7:49 PM These songs are so beautiful & also made me cry!!

It’s like you know my heart right now. Today is 3 months since Mom

passed.

I have been missing her so much lately

and reliving all the things.

333