Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Men are aware of and feel the discord between men and women today. I’m not sure they, or perhaps anyone, really knows what to do to fix it. Toxic masculinity was a term I had to look up, as I wasn’t sure how it was defined. It includes really awful discrimination and violent, criminal behavior, but also an unwillingness to share emotions. I think that’s a dangerous term to throw around loosely and believe that loose usage may be what my male friend was feeling the effects of. I know many men who need some work on their willingness to share emotions, just like I did, but would also never hurt another human. I think there are ways to address these topics without shaming men for having historically male traits, as if that’s a bad thing, and instead invit ing them into conversations about how to resolve toxic issues and how we can help them express emotions instead of trying to control them into doing so. “Raise your daughters to shout, to scream, to hold their heads up high for being themselves before society tries to teach them how to silence themselves, how to wear shame like it is a second skin. Let them taste rebellion from the moment they are born and watch them become flames to start a revolution.” Nikita Gill By now, you’ve read enough to understand I have been reasonably successful in my career. I have worked with and for a number of men. I have worked with and for a number of women. And because of that and my own self-reflection, I have a theory that many women haven’t healed from harassment, abuse and/or assault, and so we bring fear of men as a group into individual relationships. And because we fear them, we want to control them so we can feel safe. In essence, we need to be as good and powerful as men at work and at home so they can’t hurt us. But that fear and control takes away from the unique qualities that we could bring to relationships as women, so we’re all left scratching our heads trying to figure out what’s wrong with our relationships. Women often expect men to read our minds, and we say things like, “ he should know what I want. ” It’s like we set them up to fail because we don’t communicate our own needs and wants. I suspect there are women who are rolling their eyes about now, saying, “ why should I have to make the effort? ” And I would say, because you want what you want. You may be feeling like a romantic evening complete with dinner, music, maybe dancing in front of the fireplace. So you flirt with him, making a suggestive comment, on the phone or via text, and he comes home with a pizza and lifts you up on the kitchen island expecting to get it on right there. That doesn’t make him bad, it makes him different. He can’t know how it feels to be a woman any more than you can know how it feels to be a man. But through communication, the sharing of real desires, thoughts, and feelings, we can get to know what our partners want and need. The same applies to working on your own healing or development. Women tend to say “ well I would, but my husband won’t, so why would I waste the time and energy ? ” And to that, I would say, like most things, it takes someone willing to go first. If you’re satisfied with an average, or more often a less than average , relationship, just don’t expect anything to change. And your healing would still help you regardless of whether or not he put forth any effort. Every individual is responsible for his or her own behavior. That is the control we truly can have and need to have if we want healthy relationships. Personally, I have decided I’m not going to sit in groups of women any longer and listen to them bash on men as a whole, making overarching statements because it’s easier to blame men for everything than look at their own behavior and educate themselves. As a woman who has been learning, growing, and healing, I am quite frankly embarrassed of how I treated men and of how women treat men sometimes. Of course, I am not talking about the men who sexually harass, abuse, or assault females, but when we start treating all members of a group based on fear, we are being no better than other hate groups. And quite frankly, I expect more and better of women than that. “Women need to feel loved and men need to feel needed.” Rita Mae Brown Dr. John Delony | Men, you are worth real connection too. Delony | Instagram

310